The Silent Suffering of Parent Abuse: When Children Abuse Parents
96What is Parent Abuse?
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We have all heard of child abuse and how children are damaged by this terrible behaviour and you only have to Google "Child Abuse" to find page after page of information, support groups and advice on this subject, but, how many people have heard of parent abuse? Especially at the hands of teenage children with serious social interaction and violence issues? Google it. You wont find much, except on a few support sites.
Its a growing problem for parents who share their home with abusive young people and ther is virtually no support.
Spotting the Signs of Parent Abuse
Parent Abuse is a form of domestic abuse and is a serious problem which results in physical harm, depression, damage to property, job loss, and family breakdown. It is usually perpetrated by a child in their teens displaying the following behaviour towards you and members of your family. Signs include:
- Threats of and/or physical violence including hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, slapping, biting, hair pulling with or without weapons or objects used as weapons.
- Swearing and name calling
- Intimidation
- A constant refusal to do as been asked ( going to bed, coming home, asking friends to leave, cleaning up after them selves, not attending school/college/work) or contribute to the household or participate in normal family activities.
- Bullying by text or phone
- Stealing money or property or misuse of parents credit cards/phones/computers
- Deliberate damaging of property
- Threats of or actual violence to pets or other children of the household as a way of intimidation
- Emotional blackmail
- Drug/alcohol abuse in the home
- Belittling parents in front of friends/other family members/public.
Many parents may recognise some of these signs as "normal" teenage behaviour, but those suffering from parent abuse have experience physical harm resulting in medical treatment or even death, damage to property, theft and bullying at the hands of their teenage children. This causes parents to lose complete confidence in themselves as parent and human beings, and is debilitating for the child as the parent loses complete control over the child, leading the teenager to be unsupported and in danger of losing out by not fitting into society.
Quite often, the child who is abusing the parent, does it wilfully and for enjoyment, since the ability for empathy and compassion is not present in the teenage psyche, and is a way of them dealing with anger management issues, psychological disturbances and hormones. Not all teenagers turn on their parents, but there is an increasing number that are.
Since children have been made more aware of their rights as a child, it has prevented parents from administering chastisement and punishments traditionally used to control rowdy and unacceptable behaviour. The Law is always on the child's side, through legislation in Child Protection, but there is nothing to protect parents from children who abuse their parents, and in the UK, as a parent you are legally responsible for that child. In most cases Social Services are not interested, unless the child has a long history of repeated offences of violence involving the Police. Schools often permanently exclude teenagers with behavioural issues, but since there is virtually no support for these kids or their parents they quickly turn to drugs and crime.
Parent Abuse is not restricted to certain social groups, it can affect single and two parent families equally. It is usually the mother (or the main caregiver) who is most affected, but other children in the family and fathers suffer too.
What Causes Teens to Turn on Their Parents?
Many people consider Parent Abuse to be the result of bad parenting, neglect or the child suffering abuse themselves, but many teen abusers have had normal upbringing and have not suffered from these issues.
My personal belief is that as a society, we are not teaching our children respect, love and care. We are allowing them to be subjected to violence on TV, Film and music, and violence is considered "normal". Drugs and Alcohol can play a huge part, as can gang culture. Social deprivation is another factor, as is many teens not having adequate role models or enough input from male members of society. The breakdown of the family unit and increasing numbers of children who have poor or non existent relationships with an absent parent, debt, unemployment and parental drug/alcohol abuse are also contributory factors on Parent Abuse.
What Can you Do?
Firstly do not suffer in silence and take back control. You do not have to give your power away and you can put a stop to this abuse.
If you are suffering from Parent Abuse you must recognise that you are not at fault and do not deserve this, as with any form of abuse. Speak to a friend, or your GP, or contact a domestic abuse support group. Seek professional help.
Confront the child with his/her behaviour, calmly and tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate it any more. Explain that what they are doing is abuse ( be prepared for them to turn the tables on you and abuse you further) and explain that they need professional help. Re- assure them that you still love them, but this is the end of the line. Remove all privileges, rights to mobiles computers, video games, money etc and refuse to be a taxi service. If they refuse to come home, report them as missing to the police, and get them picked up in a squad car. Sometimes Police intervention is enough of a wake up call for them.
If you feel that you can still communicate with your child, seek mediation, and explain that you will not tolerate this behaviour. Lay down some ground rules, regain control of yourself and absolutely stick to them!. If you tell your child that if you are hit again, you will call the Police, and have them arrested. Don't call their bluff, do it. They need to see that you mean business.If your child physically harms you, steals from you or damages property, involve the Police immediately and PRESS CHARGES! Dial 999 and report an assault. Its tough love we are talking about here!
Try not to retaliate by hitting back unless in absolute self defence, and disarm them if the come at you with a weapon. Many many abusers will ring social services to claim you have hit them, and the Law comes down on their side every time. You will be prosecuted for hitting your child and your child will be placed on an "at risk" register as will any other children in your household.They may even be removed, which can be good news if the offending child is removed but unfair for the siblings or for you. If in doubt and under threat of violence, call the police. Invariably, Social Services will not be interested at all, unless you are yourself a drug abuser/alcoholic or violent towards your child, in which case, they will put the child on the "at risk" register, and seek to remove the child for its own safety.
See? No support for parents who suffer from appalling behaviour from teenage children who are often physically bigger and stronger than the parent.
Seek help from extended family and friends, and see if they can offer to give you respite by taking the child from you for a few days.
Get in touch with Parentline Plus, a UK organisation dedicated to helping parents with their issues. You can call them on 0808 800 2222. Visit their website and look on the message boards for help and support groups in your area.They often run groups which offer practical support and tips of parenting difficult teens. You can meet with other parents who are in the same boat as you and find support there.
Approach your GP and your child's school and have your child referred to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, or refer them yourself, informing them that you are suffering Parent Abuse.
Keep a journal of events, with dates, times etc., or a video diary, and film your child when it is abusing you (you can use your mobile phone or digital camera). Often, when faced with media of their own behaviour, it can shock them into accepting help from professionals.
Get therapy for yourself and your family.
If none of these work, then the last resort is to exclude the child at 16 years old from the family home, and change the locks. Its tough love, but you cannot continue to allow this behaviour to go on without resolving it. You owe it to your child to teach them that abuse is unacceptable and be excluded from the home is their behaviour continues.
*******************************FEBRUARY 2012******************************************************
It seems to me that those who are suffering need some place to find each other and connect, so you can all help each other out. How do people feel about me setting up a facebook page where you can all connect and help each other?
If you are concerned about your anonymity, you can of course set up a separate account at facebook, just for this purpose. I would not want anyone to compromise themselves. If I get enough feedback, I'll set one up, and post the link here for you to follow.
sending you all a massive hug. I do know what you are going through. I have walked the walk myself, though these days, I realise that what I have been through may not have been at the level that some of you are going through, but the emotional outcome is just the same.
Be brave, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Sending huge love out there to all who are reading this and suffering in silence.
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I have tried to update the links section, but the Hupages Police will not let me put the links in that direct you to useful sites, and as such, Hubpages Police are actively preventing you from accessing them from this page stating that they contain pop ups, ads for viagra etc. I have checked all of the links personally and they do not contain any of them, so i suggest you clear off this site and google them yourself. Use the search "parent abuse" and you should find all of the ones I tried to add on the first three pages.
If I leave the links in they refuse to publish this hub, which attracts 1200 hits a month from abused parents, so I have removed them all, and left in the ones that you used to be able to access. By refusing to publish this hub, they are giving the impression that they do not want you to access information to help yourself out of the hellish nightmare you are in.
Allegedly, a "human" reads all hubs and they are monitored, so to the human reading this who sanctioned this hub after I tried to add more useful links, well done, you prevented me from helping people. Hope you are proud of yourself. If I have to pull every single link out of here, I will, just to keep this hub running for people who have nowhere else to turn to.
Since I wrote this article two years ago, more and more of you are coming forward and speaking out about this ever increasing GLOBAL issue. I have read messages from parents from all over the globe, heartbreaking stories and personal accounts of horrific abuse. It is time we all came out of the closet, together and shouted with one voice : STOP!
Do not suffer in silence. Suffering in silence condones the behaviour.
We rally for child abuse victims.
We rally for disabled abuse victims.
We rally for domestic abuse victims and battered spouses, both male and female
We rally for sexual abuse victims
We rally for abused gay people
We rally for abused animals
We rally for abused environments and the abused planet
WHY ARE WE NOT RALLYING FOR ABUSED PARENTS?
Because nobody knows of the abuse because its victims stay silent.
Speak out to help not only yourself, but those who do not have the courage that you have.
This article is rated 2nd in popularity in the google search "parent abuse"
As of Feb 2012, over 26,000 people have viewed this page.
It currently has 97 comments, read them, please. For those with the courage to tell there story, there are thousands who do not.
The key to escaping this abuse is to recognise that you are far from being alone, you are one of THOUSANDS who need help.
Its time we stood together, with one voice and one heart.
You are valued, and you are loved, if by nobody else, then by me, and all of the other people here, who have told their stories.
I am currently researching for a new article I am writing about how we deal with this as a society, and what the authorities, health professional and the judiciary systems should be doing to help abuse survivors.
You are not a victim.
You are a survivor, and you deserve respect and love.
Speaking out IS empowerment.
They only win, when you give up.
huge hugs to all,
Lou x
Useful Links For Abused Parents
- GotATeenager - Home
GotATeenager.org.uk: The new website for parents of teenagers from Parentline Plus - BBC NEWS | UK | Move to tackle anti-parent abuse
Police are growing concerned about the rising trend of violence committed by children against their parents. - BBC - Radio 4 Woman's Hour -Parent Abuse
Listen here for radio show about Parent Abuse - When Teens Abuse Their Parents: Amazon.co.uk: Barbara Cottrell: Books
When Teens Abuse Their Parents: Amazon.co.uk: Barbara Cottrell: Books - WOMENS AID DONT SUFFER IN SILENCE FROM DOMESTIC ABUSE
Women's Aid Domestic Abuse website - parent abuse!! - Netmums Coffeehouse
Can anyone point me in the right direction so that I can help my sister. She is having the usual problems with her 15.5 yr old, swearing at her, - Welcome to Youngminds — YoungMinds
YoungMinds- website offering help and suport to parents and children with Mental health issues
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You would be surprised to hear that Social Services in the UK deem all of that behaviour "normal teen behaviour" . They only class it as unusual when it is prolonged. Its far more common than people realise and parents need to start speaking out and coming forward if they are suffering. It is not just a case of "bad parenting". If that was the case then families with more than one child would suffer parent abuse from all of their kids, not just from the abusing one.
Thanks for your comments
The Police are excellent and supportive, but despite months of violent and criminal acts, social services seem unclear what to do. Parenting classes are not much help when a 14year old is absent from the home more than present and only turns up to take money or food!
We have tried not to suffer in silence, but there seem to be know answers when you ask for help!!
Thank you for your comment and I understand what you are going through. Social Services are not interested in dealing with type of issue ayou say, they are unclear or unwilling to deal with these issues. And there is no help, except from the police. It is hard to comprehend that the small baby you have loved and raised turns on you and is unrecognisable, but you do have to administer tough love, even if it means locking your valuables away. You do have a legal obligation to care for the child until it is 16 years old, at which point you can expell them from the family home. The key is finding support from others in your situation. If no groups are available, then it may be worth considering setting one up yourself in your area. Get in contact with your local high schools, and explain that you would like to publicise your group to other parents, advertise on community notice boards and in your local newspaper and volunteer centres. getting advice from domestic abuse support groups is also a great help. Sometimes, just meeting people who are going through what you are experiencing is a great way to share your frustrations. I find that when the young person is confronted with what they are doing publicly, and they realise that the threat of expulsion is very real, they often change their ways. And I agree, parenting clases are not much help. It is other parents going thru the same thing that will be the most help to you. find a local group by contacting Parentline plus, or speak to one of their staff for help. They really are experienced in this type of abusive behaviour and maybe able to offer some practical solutions. Counselling for yourself is a good way of dealing with the emotional destruction and for rebuilding your confidence. I know its hard, butthese kids need love. Theyreally have lost all respect for everything, including themselves when they get tlike this. Reassuring them that you still love them, but will not tolerate the behaviour is a good standpoint to start from. Confiscate permanently their possesions. Computer, mobile phones, CD collections, computergames are all high on their list of priorities. Also, have you considered that there maybe an underlying mental health/drug problem that you are not aware of? You do have the power to go down this route and even have them sections if you feel that their behaiour warrants it. They are minors, and though the Law comes down on their side, you do have more power over them than you realise. Speak to the Police Community Officers for advice, and your GP to back up your claims for help from Social Services. They do have links to the probation and youth offenders counselling services. Maybe they can help.My thoughts are with you. Good luck!
This is an issue that is not spoken of. I believe that society has been numbed to violence through video games, movies, news (paper, internet and radio), war coverage, internet site and so forth. Unfortunately, the mast majority of the targetted audience is our youth -- young adolescents and young adults. Without proper guidance and reinforced rules, it is easy for youth to engage in such behavior. This is a forewarning sign of where society is headed.
The issue is, that as parents we have had our rights to raise our children as we see fit, and to chastise unacceptable behaviour removed by the nanny state. It is virtually impossible to discipline your children effectively without infringing so called human rights and Child Protection Legislation. While I am all for childhood protection and I wish the social services and the authorities would enforce it correctly as in the appalling cases of Victoria Climbie and baby P, I do think it has gone too far, and is completely confused. Parents and children, and the authorities are not all singing from the same song book. As far as violence, media et al is concerned, yes it is a desensitisation programme aimed at the young people and children, for the atrocities perpetrated on society which are coming. It normalises this sort of behaviour and makes it acceptable, yet that does not been it is right. I love the analogy of if everyone went around and regularly beat someone else over the head with a large piece of would society would deem this "normal" behaviour, but, and here's the rub, it does not make it the right behaviour! The time has come, for parents to take control of their own lives and be responsible, by challenging the rules of a society which has totally lost the plot, for the sake of their own safety and sanity and the safety of their children and families.
The Manic Street Preachers wrote a song a few years ago called "if you tolerate this, then your children will be next". It is time to stand up and be counted! If you have never heard it, you can listen to it here.
Trying to find help for my daughter who is being abused by her 13year old daughter is very difficult. social services were called as my daughter hurt her thirteen year old as she was defending herself from the onslaught of her child. this child is very angry and hates being told no; this has gone on since she was five and no one seems to care. having found this sight has been a help for me just to know that other parents are going through the same heartache
rita anstee: I do hope that you can find some solidaity with other parents and grandparents. This is a thorny issue which no-one wants to speak about. Social Services are not interested unless it is the parent hurting the child. I know its really difficult for your daughter, I have dealt with this myself and with other parents. The Police are very supportive when it comes to kids who are abusing their parents, and in a lot of cases, if the parent reports the attack as an assault and the child is hauled down to the police station, it does shock them into accepting help. Its hard to understand why they are so angry and why they turn, but maybe there is more going on with her than you may realise and she cannot articulate herself to talk about why she is so angry and just becomes aggresive. You do feel like you are the only ones going thru it but let me assure you that you are not. Parentlineplus message boards are full of people in your daughters position, and reading some of their stories makes you realise just how common it is. People need to know what is happening and parents need to take back control. the first step to that is making society aware of the problem, that way everyone is aware, and then peer pressure starts to mount on these kids, because we wont accept their behaviour. Sending you some love and to your daughter, because I know how hurtful and frustrating it is, especially when all you have is love for the child, and I know how quickly that love can turn to hate, and you end up hating yourself in the process. Its the helplessness of the situation that is so exasperating. I do hope you can find some practical help, and maybe other parents who are going through it themselves locally who can support each other. Love and light x
Just had to endure child protection procedures !!!
Fortunately every member of the vast panel on hearing the many police and school details commented that it seems that 'the family need protection from this emotionally damaged child.'
Fortunately we were not seen as perpetrators but as victims .... no one has the answer!!
Fascinating
A. Hopeson: I am pleased you have had some recognition that you are not the "perpetrator". Unfortunately this issue is becoming more prevalent on modern society. As it becomes more prevalent the infrastructure to deal will this will become more available. There are people who will listen, but there is no strategy in place to deal with it. Here's hoping you are going to get the help and support you so desperately need.
Stay strong, there will be some resolution in the end.
Light and love x
Sadly this is not limited to only teens. My daughter, who is almost 6 years old, is abusive. She does a number of things on that list, and when she is hurting me, the look on her face is one of frightful enjoyment. We have tried therapy for over 2 years now, as she had acute PTSD. And still, most of the time, the tools they gave me do not work. It is difficult to know when she will act out, as her fits of rage and abuse can be triggered by even the smallest of things. The hardest part: she is one big sweetie most of the time. But when she flips.. it is becoming increasingly dangerous. Honestly, I am grasping at straws any more trying to help her, and figure out how to keep her, myself and her brother safe. Medication isn't an option either, as most on the market are not approved for children her age. It worries me that is things are not brought to some sort of control, as she gets older she will only become more dangerous to herself and others.
And trying to find information that is helpful is near impossible. So if anyone else is in the same boat, I would really like to hear back.
Thank you for the informative and well-researched article. I am a law enforcement veteran and can add that, in most instances, law enforcement are the last to be informed of an abuse situation. Hopefully, that will not continue to be the case. Again, thank you.
A. Graves: You are fortunate in one respect, your daughter is young enough to be helped. Firstly have you considered her diet? Removing all processed foods, refined sugars etc will help. I find many young children's behavioural issues stem from their diet. Removing sugar coated breakfast creals, squash drinks and soda pop, cookies, cakes and candy etc (unless they are home made), processed meats and microwaves meals are all full of additives and hidden sugars that can send kids off the wall. Try to give her "basic" foods like fruits and vegetables and lean meat and fish, getting her to help prepare the foods and trying new foods each day. So if you remove cookies one day and introduce bananas/oranges as a substitute, and make it interesting, like finding out where they grow, and what foods you can make with them etc, this will give her a distraction from wanting the cookies etc. So many kids have a sugar addiction and my kid was no different. When my daughter was 6 she was an absolute nightmare. She was overweight due to a hereditary gene problem and she was physically too big for me to pick her up, and she knew it. She made our lives hell. She actively enjoyed causing us all harm, and she had suffered abuse at the hands of my ex partner whom I ejected from the family home. However, with perseverance with good behaviour reinforcement, diet and distraction activities we did get there, and she is now a wonderful 12 year old. Its tough love, but removing toys, tv and videogames do work. You MUST be consistent with your boundaries, or she will not get the message, and I cant stress the importance of routine. One other thing I must ask you to try, as difficult as it is, is to stay calm and do not get drawn into the arguments and fights she picks with you. Remember that as much as she displays pseudo-adult behaviour, she is still a child, with child emotions and understanding, and you are the adult. She is looking to you for answers in a world that frustrates her and angers her, and from her perspective you are not giving her the answers she needs. Its hard for these children to trust people, so you must show even more love to her than you probably would normally, to help her feel secure. I know how difficult that might seem when you have had an awful day with them and are struggling with your own feelings toward her. The outbursts are just her way of trying to regain some control in her life when she has been traumatised, and as damaging and as upsetting as they are to you and your family, you can win through this one. It will be hard, but you can do it, and the fact that she can be a real sweetie shows that all is not lost and you have something to work with. When she is in a receptive and happy mood, reinforce the message that its the behaviour you dont like, not the child. Reinforce the message that when she is being happy everything goes well for her, and she can have the treats etc and your time and attention. Plan days out/activities at home and give her goals to work towards. If she is the sort of child that seems to have a lot of energy, then find an activity which burns this off, and make it a part of your routine. Try working with the things she is positive about. I must also stress how important it is for you yourself to have support and somebody to talk to about your own emotions on this. Struggling along with the burdens of parenthood, everyday life and a difficult child is not easy, see if you can get some respite for her from a friend or family member even if its only for an hour a week, so that you can have a break. I hope this has been a help to you. Let me know how you get on. Light and love to you x
James Ginn: Thank you for your comments. Its always interesting to hear about this issue from someone who has had to deal with it in an official capacity. Many of the police officers I have spoken to believe that too many rights of parents to chastise their own children have been taken away resulting in out of control behaviour by teens and parents legally unable to enforce self defence and property protection. Where I live, its a smaller community and the police are quite used to responding to calls from teens alleging abuse of a parent that has hit them out of exasperation, when they have repeatedly abused their own parents. Often, the teen is the one who has to be taken to the police station for abusing the police officer when they don't get their own way of having the parent arrested, often accompanied by the abused parent! What these teens don't realise is that most of the officers are parents themselves and can spot an abusive teen or parent at a hundred paces. Usually its the behaviour and language of the teen who has made the allegation which the officers pick up on straight away to see who the real injured party is. That is not to say that some cases of alleged abuse by parents are not genuine, but the law does seem to favour in the teens viewpoint and parents often have no support.
You have an extraordinary grasp of the issue. I have spent countless hours at the scene of alleged domestic violence only to end up arguing with a teen about the difference between discipline and abuse. Again, outstanding article.
Thank you for your comments James. I think because I have experienced this issue both first and second hand, the experiences have given me the tools and information to help others in the same situation. I am trying to raise awareness of this issue in an effort to help what I see as a lost generation. There are far too many teens out there without the benefit of trustworthy guidance, and considering the world these kids have to exist in, I don't blame them for behaving the way they do. The thing is, unless we educate these kids to follow a path in life which creates balance and harmony for themselves and others, then this is just going to continue. Someone has to be brave enough to break the cycle of abuse.
I am so relieved to find this website and other parents sharing their experience.
I have suffered from my 16 years adopted son, to the point I was going to end my life last year just to silence my pain from the constant verbal abuse and insolent behaviour. he made me run into £1000s in debt and he had absolutely no remorse. he broke the fridge, he hits the walls and the sofas, he broke chairs and tables, he was abusive to my sister and friends, yet I hoped he'll improve.
I involved social services and with a broken heart resolved to let him go; but all that happened they put us into hours and hours of councelling that exonerated his rights and left me feeling even more of a culprit and a failure.
Because I am still legally responsible, I accepted the fact that I'll control the situation as much as possible and let him go at 18 years. Though I doubt if he'll choose to leave on his own accord, having lived a life of luxury on my hard work's earnings.
Some legal organisation must stand up to bring back the right of parents to punish (without excess) such behavior. Or to organise camps in every area when these kids are placed for rehab for few weeks before letting back into society.
So encouraged to find this site as I have tried to bring up 2 adopted girls for 10 years - it broke up my marriage and their behaviour has always been off the scale but I kept on thinking I should stick with it and do the right thing. Just had enough as the teenage years are too much added pressure and the constant threats and violence are too much to handle. The police tried to discourage me from pressing charges but the social services have tried their best to support me. Despite hoping I'll have my daughters back they do accept that I have come to the end of the road and cannot be safe or indeed protect my girls. I just need to deal with the sadness inside now and that will take time.
A good posting on an important subject. I assume "abuse" need not be limited to physical abuse? Drinking and smoking in presence of children also could be considered abuse?.
I refer to this in my postings here in hub pages. Any suggestions?
ramkkasturi: Abuse has many forms both physical and non physical.
As for drinking and smoking in the presence of children being considered as abuse, I am failing to see the relevance here in my post, since I am referring to abuse perpetrated by the children against their parents, not what parents do to children. There is much written about adults who abuse children, but virtually nothing about children who abuse parents.
I am sure that you could start a debate about what constitutes abuse to children, but for this hub, it is detracting from the issue of children who abuse parents.
I would however agree that children who drink and smoke in the presence of their parents when asked not to, would be committing an abuse against their parents by subjecting them to smoky air and all the negative behaviour that goes with drinking, if the child was being violent through alcohol and smoking drugs.
A child is much more than someone’s biological son or daughter. A child is a Soul in incarnation and without entering the esoteric subject we’re going to meet many personality traits inherited from the parents and unique particular characteristics. We admit easily that there are beautiful children, intelligent children, sensitive children, talented children, but we cannot talk about malicious, manipulative, nasty and abusive children without feeling that we have somehow committed a capital sin. And I don’t mean labeling human beings that can always change to some extent, but admitting the truth and the facts. Children have an energy of their own that fully manifest and sometimes this energy is very conflictive and sharing part of your life with them can really be a disagreeable or painful experience.
Most of the nowadays adults were simply born with a sense of respect that was later cultivated, sometimes in a very unhappy way, I agree, but it was simply there most of the times. Youngsters today seem no to have it in their system…
The lack of life experience does not always mean purity and innocence and one may have a great surprise when discovering a very different personality in a child that the one that society and psychology books talk about. I agree that responsibility and love are needed along the journey, but also recognizing children as owners of their particular personality chosen in this life would help those whose task is to help them along the way. Some of their negative traits are not the result of their interaction with adults that fail in offering enough love and support, they are simply there and the adults need to learn how to help the child to handle them.
Childhood is just a stage in the evolution of the human being and some children simply have awful personalities, negative traits that sometimes exceed in intensity, development and manifestation those of the adults that share their life with them. While most of the children are wonderful to spend time with, there are also cases when sharing your time with them can be painful and disturbing. Just like when interacting with another human being and one is prepared to love and give as we should always do, children can really challenge one’s good nature. We end up growing as human beings but not without paying a big price.
Trying to understand, I was emotionally abused as child, my mother had OCD and my father an alcoholic and I was the bad child in the family, got married and pregnant at 16, had 4 by 23. A single parent by 24.and still abused by parents and siblings. Became an alcoholic, made huge mistakes with my kids. Started noticing things my kids say belittling me, talking down to me. I got sober and tried to things right and did my best but wasn't good enough. The kids just got worse. When I got sick was told to drop dead by all and haven't seen them in years. I have tried to reach out all, I tried to stay in touch with my grandchildren to no avail and it wasn't long before they wouldn't speak to me either. Today not one member of my family will speak to me despite efforts all efforts to make amends..I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship for 15 yrs. I know I made horrible mistakes but wonder if they were unforgivable ones or are they still being abusive to me. The last time I was told by my grand daughter if I ever called again she would beat me to death, I believed her and would never call again...It's so bad my sister-in-law laughs when I've tried to talk to her about abuse. I'm still the families door mat. Anyone ever heard of one person in generations of a family being the out cast?
Again i have pressed charges on my fifteen year old son for criminal damage. Before he put a knife to me and my partner and we had put our son into care for the safty of himself and the safty of the other two children within the house hold.
My son has a 9month order for the knife attack and because he has now committed criminal damage second time round i contacted the youth offending team whom my son has an order with to be told that they cannot do any thing for my son even though he is my sons probation officer. They said that i had the responciability to take my son back into our house hold even though my argument was that ourselves and our small children are at risk from his actions.
But i want everyone who is reading this that i dont care if it is upto to me to take my son back because i will not be forced by any sad law to go through life have to be abussied mentaly or physically by anyone what ever age they are. TAKE ME TO COURT! Put me in prison but i will not be forced to put up with this behaviour any more and all parents must make that stand for the law to change.
The law is controdictory. They say you have parent responciability and then they say you have PR for keeping your other children safe from the abuser whether he is 14 - 50 yrs of age. I say make your mind up social services cause your all bloody useless. And i can say that cause i ust to work for the probation service and the legal system.
excuse my spelling mistake i am so angry thats all and having got the care to right correctly at the moment through being on the telephone all day today arguing with social services and the like in their own sad little lingo that they put on to make the victim feel wrong for the abuser.
this society makes me sick especially when i have done all i can to be a great understanding caring parent. like others have said thats not a good thing. if i was a heroin addict they would jump to help me just as those who work and recieve no financial help but those that are unemployed recieve it all. what a mess society has become.
please all excuse my bitterness i am sure i will be alright tomorrow but i will not be taking my son back that i am addiment on.
There is no help for us abused parents. My daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD - and the more unusual PDA - Pathaological Avoidance Disorder. What use are labels? - she basically lacks the cognative skills that tell her what is acceptable / logical etc. The result - she abused my ex until I had to chose between her or him when she was only 2.
Nowadays she is 8 and constantly attacks me. I try to stay calm - get out of the way etc but she is very strong and I am dreading what she will be like as a teenager.
She is rude, disobedient, physically aggresive, mentally abuse and a bully. At school - she is generally ok - at home - HELL.
She knows that if I bruise her - she can contact the police etc - but if she hurts me there is no official recourse. I have spoken with many health professionals whose advice would probably work on a "normal" child - but it is impossible to know where her anger / behaviour is made worse by her other problems. I cut out most additives years ago as these definitely made her worse but she hates fruit and veg - so that leaves fwe options!
She has medication for ADHD which helps but it does not help with the abuse of me, her Mum. You can see the enjoyment on her face when she hurts me .. so sad. I have tried showing my emotion ie how much she is hurtine me, ignoring the pain, walking away, asking for a cuddle quietly. No strategies seem to work and there is no one left to help.
To MM:
Your daughter is terrified of something. The fact that it started so early tells me that for sure. I have a feeling she has been abused by someone. She is attacking you because she is angry at you that you haven't noticed. You are her mum and you are meant to protect her, that is how she feels. The fact that she is OK at school tells me it is specifically YOU she has a problem with. The only reason that could be is she feels you are not being a proper caring parent. And the only reason she could possible feel that way is because something has happened to her that has traumatised her and you haven't noticed or done anything about it. Do something.
@MM I am inclined agree with @ME.
At 2 years old, children often displaying abuse are often victims of trauma. Their abuse of people is their frustrations and anger at a world where they only know hurt. Sadly, until she is old enough to comprehend her own history, you won't know. I speak from personal experience, being that child. Diagnosis is not always correct and drugs administered to children so young have adverse effects compounding their behaviour. Drugging kids is not the answer in the long term.
Labels are of no use and cause harm to the child, and are self fulfilling.
As a parent it can be difficult raising good adults. When the children are being told as early as 1st grade that they should call 'this' number if they feel their parents aren't treating them right... What 1st grader isn't going to call when they aren't allowed dessert or to play outside after misbehaving? All it takes is one of those phone calls to get the ball rolling, and parental rights slowly stripped away.
Great Hub and good subject!
I just want to thank-you all for the input of this topic. I'm a single mom of six boys and my youngest who is sixteen have me regreting ever having children period. After reading other people stories I feel that I can finally get some type of support and help.Never would I thought this would be me for my five other sons are respectful and recieved their diplomas. This son dont want to finish school has a son and havent been home in three days. He appear to be very angry abusive verbaly, punching doors. I'm blamed for everything he's had more and bless than any of my other sons. I didnt come with instructions but, Iv'e done my best. I ask all that read this please pray for my son and me. Thank-you again
I found reading this very interesting as I work for a charity that deals with Domestic Abuse and we are getting more and more referrals for young people who are abusive to their parents. We try and support the families effected but due to the current financial worries funding is an issue. It is a shame how so many people are suffering but statutory services seem unable to offer the correct support.
my now 18 yr old has many mental issues & the verbal & physical abuse started 3 1/2 yrs ago, her father has not been in the home since she 3. ive allways worked, took her to church & tried to raise her with morals & everything she needed. she has been on probation, in a girls home twice, till finally things escalated and i let the state take her 10 months ago. she would damage my personal belongings, take things of mine & hide them, name calling, belittling, hitting, ect. she has been in & out of counseling past 3 1/2 yrs, on medication. well we finally got her to graduate high school while in states custody, she has been released back in my care for about 4 weeks now.ive had to keep on her to take her medication, do chores, homework, looking for a job, & even bathing her self. the abuse has started back again, she has cursed many times, and called me names & beliitled me.i told her to leave last night, she went to my sisters home, i told her i will not & do not have to allow her to live in my home like this( she turned 18 in april ).not sure what is going to happen from here, yet ive done all i can & i do not understand why she does this??
Lou Purplefairy - thank you for your common sense. I have an abusive nearly 16 year old. He used to be a lovely pre-teen but we had family traumas (death and illness)and he turned overnite. Add this to the 'normal' teen hormones and you have my son!.
I really don't believe it is acceptable to be physically, verbally and emotionally abused. I have to lock my handbag etc in my bedroom and then get strangled by the key on the chain with the key around my neck. My son barrackading me in a room while he brandishes a blade. He has stolen items to sell, phones, money, credit cards. Please don't judge people, this could happen to anyone and all the 'experts' say I have got it right. Unfortunately we are a couple and therefore lies division!. Its good cop bad cop. He knows I mean business but his Dad is unsure. I begged him to ring the police earlier (I was pinned down)but he didn't. After 32 years this may break up our marriage.
But at least I don't feel quite so alone.
I agree 110% with all you parents; I am also in the same shoes, looking for some authority that will help us from your children that have turned on us. We need to be united to fight this situation. I have an email to start shearing
parentsunitedtomakeachange@gmail.com.
You may email your comment.
Since I wrote this last year, some 8000 people have read this. Some brave parents and carers have shared their stories of personal experience here and to date there are over 30 comments.
For every parent who is suffering and has read this, and shared their views, there are a couple of hundred that have not. This is an issue which is becoming increasingly common. Please help and support each other and don't suffer alone, because, you realy realy, are not!
Blessings and love x
:)
Lou, this is a really excellent hub and one I can relate to personally as I have had problems with my own son in his teenage years when I felt, and it was observed by others, that he was picking on me, bossing me about, and thought it was funny. I used to get so fed up and ended up thinking I was no good as a parent. I also did stuff I wasn't interested in just to shut him up eg he was into body building and weight training and used to insist I did all these exercises too. I can see the sense in it from a health viewpoint but it wasn't what I would have done if he hadn't kept on at me. I didn't see any need to have muscles showing in my arms or a six-pack. He said it would get the women. It never did! He did things to deliberately annoy me too: such as putting objects in my bed and then when I had gone to bed call out from his room asking if I had found anything in it. When I responded he would laugh. I accepted it as his idea of a joke but I didn't like it at the time!
this thing is weird i've never heard of anything like this the statistics must be very low for this kind of thing i feel bad for people who this happens to though it should be taken seriously
Hmmm I think I know somebody like this. They are getting help and such and I am fortunate this never happened to me. I hope people deal with this stuff.
Parent abuse is as serious as child abuse and is a form of domestic violence.
The statistics are "low"because people do not come forward and do not report it. Subequently the "authorities" do not have any data and therefore, it does not exist, yet I have heard from thousands of people who have experienced this form of abuse.
Raise awareness and get help. Lets show this society that we live in that we will not tolerate this type of behaviour from anyone, and we will not display this type of behaviour to anyone. I have heard from nay social workers who have to deal with enquiries on this matter but have no protocol to deal with it. I hear the same story from the police, and from educators and school staff.
For the love of Humanity, it is tie that these people who are sufferring are taken seriously.
The sad fact is, it is not just the parent, but the WHOLE FAMILY INCLUDING THE PERPETRATOR OF ABUSE who are suffering and they NEED HELP NOW.
I have had to deny a comment from a young girl, but is too young to use the website. This kid is suffering too and she has no one to turn to and I have no way of being able to conatct her. I can only say and I know she will be reading this and I have protected her identity, you must go and seek help from another family member or a family friend. This family and many families like them are suffering from a lack of support. Not from the Authorities, but from us! We are the community, so what are we doing to try and support these families. These are the people who live in your neighbourhood and yet you do nothing to help.
Talk to each other and you will find that you have more in common than you think. And its the Moms I am speaking to here. Go out there and knock on your neighbours door. Ask for help, and if they turn you away, knock on the next door and the next. One will open, and standing there will be someone who understands and can give you the space to think that you need. A safe place to talk and regain your inner power.That person is a friend you have not yet met, and they are writing for you to call on them.
Anonymous Young Girl Writes:
"Hello,
I am a daughter of a mother who is abused by my older sister. I have brought this subject up many times with my mom. She claims she is "getting help", and understands the situation, but every day I see her giving in to my sister's unrealistic demands. My sister also has mental disabilities so my mother says not to tell police or friends because she can't help it or she's afraid they'll take her away to a hospital. I came here looking for support. I'm scared my mom will get seriously injured some day. My sister abuses my mother in the following ways.
Name Calling
Property Damage
Hair Pulling
Punching/Kicking
Taking Away Items From Her
Throwing Items
Threats to Commit Suicide
Claims She Hates My Mom
I don't know if I will get into trouble for posting this on the website, but I am scared. I am quite young and none of my friends understand my situation. If somebody could tell me what to do, or simply offer support, I would be very grateful."
Sound familiar?
I have heard it so many many times, please, please help that person. Help yourself and your family to change for the better.
Abuse is abuse. If there is some type of power differential where one can impose their will on the other in a disrespectful and harmful manner it is a serious problem. I have read about this issue in journal articles and I am sure it is one of the most under reported social problems. I know many seniors organizations are concerned about it and a seniors day program where I live has spent time advising seniors about their rights and how they can deal with the problem. Good hub. Useful and informative.
For the little girl worried about her mum, I understand your pain and yoiu are doing the right thing, tell your school hunny so they can help you, as I know it must make your education and sociallife hell. My daughter is 14 and she has the same worries, my son is 13 and has mental problems caused by ASD,ADHD and ODD. No professional believes the parents but they do the children speak out and help your mum and most of all help yourself, call parentline for your mum they will help you to. Your a brave, good girl, take care and bless u xxx
i dont know whatto do my 12 year old the same i tryto talk to her but doesnt listen she also says things hits me but you caint really do much she threating go head call cops i tell them it ws you so tell me what do you do
We have two adopted kids that came to us when they were 3 and 4. Even at that stage we could see violent and problematic behaviour. However, like others before us we decided to stick with it and hope that with love they would sort themselves out. NOw at 16 and 17 they make our lives hell. They are verbally abusive, steal, stay out all night, damange things, threaten and hit me (not my husband). Last summer our daughter completely beat me up (bruises, bites, hairpulling, hit me over head with computer) when at 4 in the morning I found her with 2 complete strangers in her room and demanded they leave. Apparently it was none of my business what she did! I am at the end of my tether - completely, and am interested in the idea of excluding our 17 year old son from the home. Can I really do this? Is it legal? If for one moment I thought so I would do it - it would be the answer to all my prayers.
u have a 14 year old child who has adhd he has been a diffilcult child from the start he is on medication my parent abuse started when he was 6 yrs old i have had a lot of troubles also with socoal services made up accusations i have also been assulted by him threatened ,swearing at me insults and many stories he tells people i have had the police on one incerdint but i forgave him as u do its started up again and i have the social services on my case no one there to help u as people laugh if u told them u were being abused by a child
Wary about posting a comment but so much here resonates. My 14 year old son turned abusive after his dad, who left to live abroad, moved in with girlfriend and son of same age. Dad made it all about me and my parenting. I have sought help everywhere, for me and son. Police have been frequent visitors to house, very good mostly, and son has a warning after admitting being violence. Older brother, much younger sister have both suffered. When I finally pressed charges, physical and verbal abuse did stop but now I get harassment and intense neediness, like having a toddler in a teenage body. He had an ADHD diagnosis but no support from school so I was doing my best to support him but strain finally took it's toll and I had a minor breakdown so now social services are involved. He is now 'a child in need' and I have been told to change my behaviour and he will change his. As if I haven't tried! My relationship with my other 2 children is great but my young daughter is increasingly anxious. Social worker assigned to us has been aggressive and bullying towards me, witnessed by experienced school professionals and others. Requested a change, I need support not more intimidation. Told that, for son's sake, continuity is needed so Social Worker will continue. I am educated, capable and am fighting this, as calmly as possible. Son no 2 is intent on destroying me, heavily influenced by his father who is abusive to me. What I can't understand is why Social Services won't look at impact on other 2 children and listen to family therapist who has known us for 5 years, GP etc. As all these posts say, it must be the parent even when it so clearly is not. The weight of the law is with the child.
All I can say, to give hope, is that I have hung on in there, am fighting my corner for the sake of myself but especially my other 2 children. I now have a great team of professionals supporting me. Help is out there, CAMHS, Parentline, Family Rights Group, GP etc. Write EVERYTHING down. Don't be afraid to call the police. Hold the line, do not tolerate the abuse and don't become a victim.
I felt so bad, I cried and showed my weakness. I blamed myself. I don't do that anymore. Good parents know what is okay. Believe in yourself and let the abusive child choose. At 16, I will change the locks. It's a hard road until then, but this is just like adult domestic violence. We go through a cycle of hurt, guilt, shame, apology and they keep on doing it. Do not own their poor behaviour. It is unacceptable.
My son is coming round. He won't admit a thing but he is distraught at the idea of being taken into respite care. His father won't have him so bottom line, it's me or nothing. Make it a hard choice. Tough love, so true. Best of luck everyone.
I fear for the safety of my sister and brother in-law. They have a 19 year old son whom has terrorized them for many years. My nephew has been in and out of the court system and has physically abused both of them numerous times. He was diagnosed as bipolar and refuses to take his medication. He is constantly breaking into their home and stealing from them. He has kicked the animals when they confront him because he knows how much they love their family pets. It has gotten to the point where my sister will not stay at home when her husband leaves for work. I just found out that she has been going and sitting in parking lots of stores for hours because she states he WILL kill her if he gets the chance! They have not reported any of the recent crimes he has committed against him because they say he will get a slap on the wrist and then be let out and they are fearful for their lives once he is released. I have tried to talk to him but I too fear my nephew. He is 6'5" and 290lbs. He shows no remorse for any of his actions and his sence of intitlement is unlike anything I've ever seen before! I need advice please! Before I loose my best friend, my sister! PLEASE!!
are you serious? At 19 years old, that is NOT a child. It is an adult with an attitude problem. Are you serious about helping your sister? then report him to the police, have him arrested and charged with threats to kill. Perhaps then he wil get the psychiatric helps he needs. He needs to get a home of his own, and your sister and her man need new locks on the doors. THIS IS NOT A CHILD, THIS IS AN ADULT WHO IS ABUSIVE, THREATENING AND VIOLENT. Involve the police immediately.
Finally, a resource. My son has been attacking me since his father died. Others have witnessed it, and have told me it's just grief. Well, on March 28, he became enraged with me and was slamming me aganst the wall and restraining my arms. His sister was helping him: taunting me with "that doesn't hurt, you faker, do it again (son's name). They had ME arrested for domestic violence. My whole life is in tatters, and they REFUSE to tell the truth. I really can't take anymore.
hi, i am so glad i found this, i have a 13 yr old son and 12 yr old girl both are very difficult to deal with,mine is caused mainly by the fact their father and me are not together and he interferes tries to play my kids off against me and thrives in tryin to make my life a misery by using the kids to help him do such thing, ive had all the name calling been in tears because of this, ive been spat at ,hit ,kicked,told they are going to kill me when i dont give them something they want,i get i want to live wiv my dad everytime if i try to stand my ground and say no, ive been accused by them of kickin them tappin them,which never happened, been to social services conferences had them on a list taken off again etc been to court got custody all the usual things, ive been suffering for ten years and alot of it down to kids bein spoon fed what to say to me to upset me by their father, i feel like im never gonna be left alone to lead a normal life,sometimes i just want to end it myself cos i get to the point where i just cant do it anymore,we have absolutely no control over our children anymore and these kids know it,its ok children having childrens rights but what the hell happened to parents rights?? as far as im concerned social services, police etc act like it doesnt exist and always believe the child, excuse me but children also make very good liars,yet noone bats an eyelid, im just sick of it,
Hello I am the mother of a 11 year old child whom has been abusing me since she was 6 and it gets worse everyday.She has Autism, adhd, ptsd, bipolar, and many more. She has counselors and they can't help me I have called the police many times and they won't help me either. I have cried and begged for help and no one is every there. I am getting to the point that I want to go to the hospital and admit my self. This is so sad and I will never understand but, she hates me and will continue to abuse me till I can find help. I am so glad that someone understands my cries.
This is a tragic topic! I was very moved to read what is happening, and it angers me that the law in the UK is so hostile to raising kids, undermining parental authority. I will be praying about this issue. I had no idea it existed and it is really heartbreaking.
Love, prayers and hope,
Lisa
Thank you Lisa for your prayers and yes, it is heartbreaking. For every comment here from one who is brave enough to speak out, there are thousands who haven't and suffer in silence, believing they are the only ones experiencing this tragic set of circumstances.
Education is the key as is raising awareness, which is why I wrote the article in the first place. When I went through this, I had no resources, so I decided to become a resource to help others, which is why in 2 years nearly 13,000 people have read this piece from all over the world. That's 13000 people who now realise that they are not alone by finding the words I wrote. I send love to each and every one of them :)
I am so glad I found this site. My 16 year old son constantly argues with me especially when he can't have his own way. I am very supportive of him, helping him with school work, looking for a part time job etc but this last year he has thumped me, broken a rib, kicked me, thrown things at me, swears at me. I am always full of bruises. I am a good strong person and I admit I have slapped him back. If I don't do what he wants when he wants it he kicks the doors, breaks mirrors and lamps. I did call the police and they had a chat with him but it doesn't seem to have done much good. When he was attacking me once in the hall as I was trying to escape from him a passer by called the police. They called to the house and spoke to him, but he's a good actor and persuaded them that it was just a normal mother and son argument. NORMAL! I hate him and I want him out of my house, I can't put up with it anymore. I feel like killing myself because when he wants to bump his gums it doesn't matter what time it is he will go on and on and on until I give in so that I am able to get some sleep.
i fouund all the information relieved me of thinking i was alone in this world. I have had 2 years of complete misery. I am divorced and have raised my now 15 and 16 yr old girls mostly alone and they spend most holidays with their father. even thought his speratic support payments every few months. the system seems to never catch him. He remarried and now has 3 small toddlers. That was enough to make the girls feel left out alone and they have showed signs of hurt. His new wife has not been very kind to my girls including them. They say he sides with her and is very mean. I am not there but I know how he is. well he had them for xmas and they came home very different and my oldest just was horrible to me. She was going to 9th grade soon. her grades went down. I however worked a very stressful sometime 2 jobs. job and was a single parent. He then was telling them that I owed them my taxes that I claimed them and that he was sending support. well this story goes on for ever. He then reported me to dcf. I was cleared of that quickley but these kids took that and have nevr listen to me or followed my rules again. I have lost any controll in my house and our family is now broke apart. He promaced them goodis and when they move there were quickly turned into baby sitters they wanted to come back to me after calling me abusive names breaking things and not coming home and getting me trown out of my home not to mention my job got tired of my personal problems and became a living nitemare. evventually lost my job. Well thats not even 1 tenth of it but I will keep reading this site but I feel like my life has ended. I have tryed most of the advice on this site and have been slapped in the face with the bad parent thing well I still talk to them but they are very we are on our own you have no business asking I am very runned down. and tired we used to work together so easy in 1 day that was gone. well this site is good and i will be back on I have endless storys to tell. I had given up. thanks again.
I am living this horrible thing with my now 16 yr. old daughter. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer Stage 4 about 3 plus years ago. The cancer is throughout my bones and body. Since the diagnose, my daughter has turned hateful, manipulate like her father and his wife, abusive verbally and physicallly, steals, lies like it's the truth and set me up to hit her. She had called the police twice before on me to say I was hurting her. Both times there was nothing more than an argument going on either for her misbehavior or because she hurt her younger brother age 9. She demanded the police take her to her father and they told her there was no marks, no signs of a fight and that there was no evidence of anything other than her wanting them to chauffeur her to her dad's. My daughter didn't return after visiting her father but her brothers did. I asked her to come home because I wanted to spend my time with her. Her dad wouldn't bring her home. I asked the police to bring her home because it was my time with her. When she came home, I hugged her and said I missed her. Her response was "Get the hell away from me!! I don't want to be here I love my other life and I am GOING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL"! Well she did. For the next 2 days she pushed my buttons, stole my clothes, punched her brothers, called us all names and verbally abused me. We had gotten into an argument over how she was treating me and she had just stolen my clothes which she denied and laughed about! I just folded them and they were gone. She was packing clothes up for Dad's house. After I asked her for my clothes back, she called me a f--king b---h and many other names then told me I was not her mother that she was only born thru my vag---! At that point I tapped her on the mouth and she slapped me back. There were a few more words and a push from her and she walked off into her private bathroom and slammed the door and locked it! I went down stairs and heard loud noises shortly, we ran upstairs to find her slamming things and I asked what she was doing? She was calling 911 and setting the stage for a set up. She even ended up with marks on her back that were self-created. We were face to face and she is taller and bigger than me. So now I am going thru the court sytem fighting for my dignity and to not end up in jail. I am fighting for my life with the cancer and fighting the system because my ex-husband is rewarding her for her behavior to me. He would love to see me get charged the felony! For 10 plus years he has tried to get me in trouble with the law and up until this incident he has failed. My daughter must have planned this with him because she had all of her clothes already moved out of her dressers and closet and a job lined up plus previous texts from her saying she was gonna live with her dad 2 months prior to this. It sickens me that I have to go through all this along with my other children. She has alienated herself from her siblings and the rest of the family! If anyone knows how parents can protect themselves from this please let me know! Everyone cannot believe this! I never spanked my kids and they all lived above average lives. There really needs to be a law to protect parents from their children!! I am living the hell! My doctor seems to think she is "acting out" because of my terminal cancer and it is a protective device. All I know is that if the cancer doesn't kill me, this surely will!!!
Hi Lou
You are doing a great service with your pages here. It is heartbreaking to read the stories, but so helpful for parents to know they are not alone.
I am saddened that you and others have had such negative experiences from social services. When I began talking to people about parent abuse in 2004 I was aware that there were few dedicated services, but surprised to find a greater awareness among professionals than I had expected. I hope you will be pleased to hear that this is an issue which is now much more to the fore, and there have been a number of conferences around the world in the last couple of years to raise awareness and explore and develop responses for both parents and young people. As well as CAMHS, which a number of your readers mentioned, and of course the police, there are a growing number of groups specifically set up to work with parents, using techniques based on strong evidence. Many of these are following a restorative justice model, looking not just at making parents safe, but also enabling families to stay together as they learn new ways of interacting. Putting your child out is sometimes the only thing to do to stay safe, but it is the hardest thing to do as a parent. Many people would rather find a different solution.
You have posted some strong advice. As knowledge and services improve all the time I hope you will soon also be able to recommend a return to social services and that parents will be able to feel that they will be believed and helped from there as well.
I have a 12 year old screamer of a daughter who has no respect for me and whose language is foul. Earlier today she lost her temper again which happens all the time, this time thumping me nineteen times on my left arm when I asked her kindly to calm down so that I could get to the root of what was bothering her. Last time I called the police it was obviously reported in a biased way and I ended up getting a letter from the Social Services warning ME (!) that aggression was bad for children to witness! I just despair. One of these days I think something else will go wrong in her life, like she will fall out with a friend again, and just lash out at me until she kills me. I really am boxed into a corner with her. The Mental health team told me she has anxiety issues. Yeah, right.
Lizzie - dont give up. It is dreadful to feel you are not being believed by the helping agencies, but YOU know what is true. Have you tried calling Parentline? They have a specialist service for parents of teens and will offer over the phone counselling and even regular call backs to support you.
Good luck.
I am currently nursing bruises all over my head and face. My arm, that seems to have been permantly damaged during the last bout of violence, has fresh bruises on top of the dead skin - luckily i didn't feel that at the time. I was sat on and not allowed to move, when i tried to get up i was told to stay put. My face is almost yanked off by the sheer hatred when she grabs it and rips it away. punches rein down on me, and objects being thrown at me are par for the course.
After today's episode, i spent three hours in a daze - i seriously think i had concussion! - and then when my daughter asked for a hug i went to her and although i didn't hug her back, i was too scared not to go. later this evening i said that i was really angry and couldn't bear to look at her after what had happened and i got the dog bowl of water thrown all over me and she told me i made her so angry, and that i should not have given her a hug and then said later i was really angry at the time.
This has been going on for years - she is 16 now. Bigger and stronger than me. Sometimes i feel like killing myself, then i think what the hell would she do. I have given her all that i could. She is a sensitive, kind, considerate person to all others, but with me she goes crazy. I feel like a judas putting all the bad points online, when they are furies only directed at me. I just need a sounding board. I will try to continue taking it as i am able to cope with a lot of stuff, but what the hell happened? Who did what to create this monstor that only i know about?
the embaressing thing is that i am a battered person, my mental state is hammered, i walk around on egg shells, am afraid to be myself, and all because of my own bloody daughter.
i am a complete idiot for allowing this to happen
Last post 6 months ago. Situation deteriorated again. Social Services are all about the child and would not offer respite care. The police deal with the incident not the pattern. Call them every time your child causes a breach of the peace, you are under threat or assaulted and eventually they can be persuaded to involve the Community Safety Unit Police. Or call the CSU yourself. The CSU have finally come to my aid after 2 years of police visits. I pushed the local police to do something and then my daughter's Head teacher, junior school, called the CSU after I turned up shaking with fear. The CSU agreed to an urgent safeguarding meeting and they arrested my son for assaulting me and have bailed him not to return home or make contact for 5 weeks. They are now trying to help me and making Social Services sit up and take notice. CAMHS counsellor has also pressed for help and recommended that I spoke to a police officer in the Youth Offending Team based at Children's Services who has been amazing and actually believes me. She is going to tackle my ex-husband who is egging on my son and introduce me to a support group for other abused parents. My GP has written letters too. Make sure you go to your GP and tell them what is happening, as often as you need to. I've even made an appointment with my local MP.
Just keep calling the police to the point that they have to do something. But seek help everywhere else too so that you have supporting evidence and to show that you are trying. Also, don't retaliate, not one bit. If you have to, leave the house with your other children and go to a neighbours or friend and call the police from there.
Do not suffer in silence. Get your voice heard. Go to the child's school, tell them. Tell your GP. Call the police every time. Find local support groups. Parent abuse is becoming recognised and we have to speak out for our sakes and our abusive children.
My other two children and I are finally able to relax in our own home for the first time in years. It may only be for a few weeks but I am determined to fight any decision to return my son home without a change in his attitude and some serious back up from the Authorities.
I'm still doing what I can for my son, I love him very much. I just don't want to live with his behaviour anymore. Let you know how I get on and hope that this gives some of you hope.
Emma / Frances, It is as if the two of you have spoken for every parent in your situation. Everything you describe and the words you use - though you may feel at the moment that you are very isolated and no-one else could possibly understand what you are going through - they are the very expressions that each parent uses. Walking on egg shells, the embarrassment, shame and anger, loving your child still but not wanting to live with the behaviour. Yes - you are a battered woman. It is time that the rest of society wakes up to this realisation as well.
We do not create this situation deliberately. Nor do we choose to continue to accept this as a right way to live. These things creep up on us, until they are too big to ignore.
You do not have to live in this way.
Emma I hope you will be able to take Frances' advice. The youth justice service have started to develop support groups for parents. I hope you will find the help you need somewhere soon.
With almost 17,000 views of this article worldwide to date, it is very clear that this is a real issue for many people in their lives. I am heartened to see so many connecting here and supporting each other and sharing their experiences.
Isolation is one the most difficult aspects of abuse to deal with.
It incorporates a whole raft of emotions both positive and negative, which helps us recognise that we are not alone in suffering.
Sometimes, this recognition is all we need to tip the balance, and start a chain of events that changes the course of reality for the more positive.
And that can only be a good thing.
Love and respect to all.
x
in my city they would probably take the kids away, call cps and then blame the parent for the issues.
My ex partner and I had two beautiful children, a girl and boy. We have given them the best of everything and all the love and support a parent can give. The boy is doing very well and I'm really proud of him, but the girl is a different story. At about 15 years old she wanted to leave one of the best girls schools in Perth and go to another school where the rules where less strict, I tried to advise her to stay at the school but she left and started attending another school. From the time she started attending the other school she dyed her hair and got one of those things in her toungue, she became abusive and her answer to me when I asked her to clean her room was "GO FUCK YOURSELF" that became her attitude towards her mother and myself. Her mother sent her to doctors and all other kinds of treatments where tried for over a year. She has recently started taking drugs and hanging around with drug users. She started smoking drugs in her mothers house and smashing doors. Her mother had to go to the police and ask their advice on what she should do. Everyone was suffering because of the actions of this girl, so her mother decided to enough was enough and told her she was no longer welcome to live there. Her mother asked me If she could live with me and I said yes, and within a few seconds of her arrival at my place she started swearing and attempting to hit me, so I slapped her and told her she should be ashamed of her self because she had been given the best of everything and she had thrown it all away. Her last words to me as she walked of were "YOUR A FUCKING CUNT". This girl was given the best opportunity in life to follow any career path she desired, she was loved and showered with gifts and given good advice. It brakes a parents heart when this is the outcome.
I'm a single parent to 3 children.My 18 yr old son has verbaly abused me for years now.I went thru years of severe abuse from his father.I got out when my son was 4mths.I spent cpl yrs in hiding because he would find me when I left and beat me worse.The courts put a stalking order against him and he finally left me alone.
Ive always thought maybe my son is like this due to his father.But he hasnt been raised around his father.I asked for help from children services when my son was 5.We've been thru yrs of counseling that hasnt done any good.I had to have motion detectors in my home because he would get up in middle of night and try to hurt me or his siblings in our sleep.The older hes got the physical abuse on me has stopped due to he was locked up in detention centers many times.But the verbal abuse is so bad.He yells and cusses me daily.Tells me im going to regret things when he dont get his way.He will wake me up in middle of night to ask things that could wait til morning.He has no respect for others at all.He says when he wants something he expects it now.I wonder everyday where I went wrong.How could I have raised someone this cruel and heartless.He tells me he dont blame his dad for beating me that he should.He hasnt hit me for a long time but I still brace myself when hes throwing his fits because I fear 1 day he will.Lately the abuse has been almost unbarable.Hes kicked my door in when ive been asleep and started kicking my bed.I dont know what to do.Hes on his last year of school,and I've tried to deal with the abuse til he graduates.The law here tells me I cant kick him out even tho hes 18 because hes still in school.
For the past cpl years I hide in my bedroom when hes home because if he sees me he torments me.I dont understand how a child could treat their mother this bad.I love my son very much but I cant live like this anymore.Everyday I think about ending my life because I dont think I can ever be happy or have a normal life.I hate waking up in the morning because I dont know if hes going to be in a good mood or not.I go to bed praying never to wake up because I know what tomorrow will bring.The only reason Im still here is because I know if I'm gone my son will have no one.My parents or family would never forgive him for driving me to that.
Ive lived such a secluded life for many years because of embarrassment that my son puts me thru when we go places.I hate leaving my house.Ive lost job after job because of him.Since hes turned 18 in May all I keep thinking about is loading my car and disappearing.I dont know how else to get out of this crazy life I'm living.I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night and begging for relief.My heart breaks everyday.If it doesnt stop soon I dont know what I'm going to do.
I've been burdened about this phenomenon since reading the article a few months ago. It occurred to me that TroubledWith, a ministry website that helps families in crisis, might be helpful. I took the liberty of sending them a link to this article. If enough parents contact them, perhaps they will consider creating a support system for this specific issue. I feel confident they will do whatever they can to help. Here's the link:
I am so happy I stumbled upon this site during my years, months, weeks, days, and hours of searching for help. Knowing I am not the only one suffering, makes me feel a little more "sane" at this point. I am still quite worried about posting details about our issues, but I really could use the support and help from other parents that are in the same situation as I am.
I will post my story tomorrow when it isn't so late, and pray I get a response from anyone, in the manner or support, suggestions, or whatever input that is available. I have been going through this with my Daughter (14) since she was a toddler and it is just getting worse (by what seems like hours)now. I pray, I have found the right place to feel I, am not alone. If you are intrested, read my story tomorrow please. I need somebody to help. I am still convinced I can find the help and resources that will make a difference in our lives.....
I feel hopeless,
I have been trying to help my mom because my 3 brothers have being abusing her for almost four years now and there is nothing we can do. we live in the U.S and there is also no help for parents that are being abused here. we went to the police department but nothing happened. one is 14, the other one is 16 and the other one is 26 but he is in a wheelchair because he cant walk. The 3 of them are aggressive, they smoke marijuana and consume alcohol. My mother is a single mother, she works all day to pay rent and buy food. when she gets home they have parties there with friends that are like them; they are consuming drugs or alcohol. i live with the fear that they might do something to my mom. it seems like they hate her. My mother told me that one of my brothers got a knife when she was telling him something. I really don't know what to do. I am 19 years old and i don't know how to help my mom. sometimes life is too hard. i wish i could help my mom because i cant keep seeing my mom suffer this much.
I've been abused now for over ten yrs by my daughter, both physically and verbally, the verbal is still going on every time we talk, it hurts me so much not to feel like she loves me, and not to have a loving bond with her, are there any hotlines one can call just to talk about the inner feelings and to ask questions, she is a grown woman now, but her treatment of me has never changed, every night I pray for a miracle from God that someday I will have her love and be treated lovingly,
help
I have felt alone for the past 4 years! I have 4 children, the three oldest are boys. I have seen one of my brothers abuse our mother and I would never think of such an action. It pained me terribly the first time I had to call police on my son, who was 9 at the time. He had displayed aggressive behavior since he was 3. The police suggested I voluntarily sign up for DCF services. I told DCF my son needed anger management or something because my fear was he is going to get bigger than me & I refuse to live in fear of my children. My results were DCF had removed my son from my home and he had become the "victim" I've been told he is a very smart child, extremely intelligent and very well mannered. This is all true until we are behind closed doors. He has been out of the home for 4 yrs, he is an excellent student, and shows perfect behavior when in fostercare. He even lived w/ a family member for 7 mos to give him a change of scenery. He has made a lot of progress & self discoveries. He is aware he actions were wrong. We have tried re-unification 2x, both attempts only lasted about 1 1/2 weeks before he felt the need to be divious and defiant towards me, intimidating and threatening both towards me and himself. 10 days ago was the 2nd time he had been removed by police and placed back into fostercare. I have accepted the fact that him n I can not reside under the same roof. We r good will daily visits and occational sleepovers. I feel confident enough that I have, as a parent done my best. I have 2 smaller children that I also have to care for and this is causing a lot of tension and distress w/in our home.
2 days ago I met w/ DCF so we could brainstorm options for my son. He loves us all and we love n miss him as well. I have suggested that we find him a guardian that live close enough so we can maintain regular contact this way my son can have is family and his space at the same time. DCF was not interested in possibilities, I was told outright that my son will come home I have to work harder. There is no alternative.
Even as an abused parent he is still my child, no one can understand a child better than the parent, no one knows their genetic make up better than we do. I am trying to compromise all of our needs so we can be a healthy happy family but for whatever reason my notions sound unreasonable. My therapist doesn't even know what to make of this or how to help me.
I've been rambling on and on my thoughts are all over the place. Abused parents are not taken seriously. Being able to express myself to other parents that understand is helpful and the emotional support will always b there, but it feels like the abuse is never ending. No accomplishment nothing just more abuse
I have narrowed down to what may be my sons issue, he had a severe problem w/ male authority his father has munipilated him. I am the one he gets to have his way with and if my boyfriend or my older son simply says "what did mom say?" he goes into a rage. My life should not be threatened because he chose not to behave and as a consequence I decided we were not going to the store. His reaction was "if we don't go, I'm going to F***ing kill you"
It's not fair to me or my other children to b victim of this behavior. DCF takes claim that they are there for the well being of the child, yet it is not healthy for a child to behave in such a manner.
I live in the state of MA and I'm having an extremely difficult time finding help for him. He needs more than outpatient therapy
I like the way the asians discipline their kids with the cane.The kids grow up good and well-disciplined.Well!!!like the proverb goes
"SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE CHILD"
No, they do not. They grow up abusive and use violence to achieve results, no better than their abusers, and instil fear and mind control into children causing major issues later on in life. Its the opposite end of the lax "soft parenting" . Violence is never the way to raise a child. You are seriously mistaken and need to get some education on the results of violence in childhood.
this is so stupid that parents are being abused I mean like sure children get abused but parents thats just as terrible as children being abused!
i'm a single mother....nurse for 21 years....moved my kid to a what i thought was a good, country setting. my son is 22....i'm still a nurse, working for the house i was able to finaly buy....i find my son with a needle in his arm....not to mention what he's done to me...explain this.......what do i do.
daughter is 18, split personality. Talks nice when wants something, but acts like she could not care less about me & extended family ie cousins, aunta/uncles, grandparents on my side. lives with mother, who was a classic alienator. Just finished 2d xmas in a row where she blew us off. was always loved and well-cared for by many, yet no empathy/consideration for so many who loved her & she acted like she loved until teen years. how does a father recover emotional from the heartache this inflicts on so many levels ?
i am a single parent, my 24yr old son lives at home. he verbally abuses me. calling me terrible names also he calls my new fella. he has threatened to cave my face in on numerous accasions, also wreck the house. he is now threatening to kick my blokes head in. how do i get my son out my house...please help or suggest something
i am the mother of a 17 year old son who has ADHD and ODD. He is both mentally and verbally abusive. He is extremely destructive to property as well. Only this Christmas day he decided that the gifts he had been bought were not good enough and decided to have the worst temper tantrum I have ever seen. It was so bad that a toddlers tantrum in the supermarket would have pailed in insignificance. He threw his gifts around in order to break them, verbally abused me until I was in tears, then kept telling to shut up and stop whinging, he then physically attacked me and I retalliated. To calm down I shut my self away in the bedroom but he simply continued his reign of terror. He punched holes in the doors and wall and spat on his wardrobe. I decided to further remove myself by taking the dog out for a walk, but he followed me outside and belittled me before ordering me to get back inside the house. He then thought it would be OK for him to walk back into my home with a simple sorry and wanting a hug. It made my skin crawl to have him near me by this point. But he really believes that everything should just be back to normal.
I am scared of what will happen next, after all he didn't just threaten me, he threatened my boyfriend and my daughter.
We are not just talking about one incident in 17 years, this is the very latest in a string of issues that has spanned 15 years. Not to mention the regular police visits, social service intervention and the most useless of them all CAMHS. I have asked for help/respite and received nothing. I am now considering kicking him out of the family home, because he is too lazy to actually do anything for himself.
To all on the outside world he is a lovely, caring person, but they haven't experienced the pain and suffering that we have endured.
It's gotto a point that I don't care what happens to me as long as he is gone, and I can finally have peace. I regularly think of taking my own life and have planned for every eventuallity. I pray that it won't come to that ........
Hello! I am sooo glad to have found this information, as we are going through a HORRIBLE ordeal ourselves. This may be long to explain my story but if you could just bear with me and read through this (as I'm very emotional just writing all this), I would appreciate any/all advice you could give.
I met my fiance' 8 years ago. His kids (son was 8, daughter was 6) lived with their biological mom at the time. 7 months after we got together, we got a phone call from bio mom saying his son was standing in the middle of the street trying to get hit by a car. Police were called, his dad immediately went to his ex's house (which was in Wisconsin, we are from Illinois). The police came and called an ambulance and sent him to a psych ward. He confided in the dr's there that his bio mom were abusing him and his 3 siblings. He was released from the hospital and the dr's let dad and bio mom know that there was an investigation being done due to his accusations. Dad wanted to take his kids home with him until the investigation took place to make sure his kids were no longer in harms way. Bio mom refused to let him and police were called. The kids were then taken and placed in foster care for 6 months while we jumped through hoops for DCFS to get these kids in our home. To make things easier, I'll call my kids J for my son and B for my daughter. I also have another son from my prev marriage who we'll call S. Ok, so there is a little background of our family, now for what is going on today...
My son is now 16, we have had him in anger management 3 times, countless counseling programs, family counseling, he goes to a therapeutic day school. He is a very angry 16 year old and I seem to get the blunt of his anger. I understand his mom is the one who abused him and I am in the "mother" role now but it's very hard for me to handle. My son, S was 6 when he watched his brother J get mad at me and grab me by the throat up against the wall. That was the first time I had him arrested. They put him on "voluntary supervision" which I called atleast 6 times to the probation center to report more violence. He was placed on this for 6 months and afterwards I got a letter from juvenile probation saying he had satisfied his voluntary supervision (pretty much this was a HUGE joke to him). My son was 12 when this first happened. Since then I've had him arrested 2 more times, for domestic battery against myself and his dad. I also have atleast 46 police reports (I have all these reports in my posession to back this all up), where I had to have the police come out to help us get this kid under control. The police know him on a first name basis as with the rest of my family, yet no one wants to do anything to help this kid. He is 16, 6'2" and 260 lbs. His philosophy is it's his way or there's hell to pay. He was arrested for domestic violence which he plead guilty to. He was placed on probation at that point. He has a probation officer who sees him a couple times a month, and he is still violent among other things and STILL NOTHING happens to this kid.
I had to have him arrested a second time becuase he got his dad in a choke hold and his dads face was beat red and he was gasping for air. Of course, this once again was done in front of my younger son, S. He was arrested, and released within hours. He at that point, went to stay with his Grandma. He was in her home 9 months before she threw him out because of his disrespectful ways and he does what he wants when he wants. I've had stuff come up missing, he's broke things out of anger all SINCE he's been on probation and NOTHING HAPPENS!!! He even dropped dirty for marijuanna, his probation officer grounded him to the house for a week and retested him the following week. Now he warns him atleast a week before he plans on doing a drop- wtf is that??? My son has been arrested a second time WHILE on probation, was in juvenile detention for a night. That time we told him to go to his room cuz he was grounded to the house and kept telling us he was leaving anyway. We told him to go to his room and he got up to walk out. His dad stopped him and he pushed his dad so we had him arrested again. The courts actually told us we were wrong for not allowing him to leave cuz that's one of his "coping mechanisms" for when he get angry (which is everytime he doesn't get his way). Christmas Eve we had another problem with him, I took something away from him and he demanded it back... when he didn't get it back in the timely manner that HE wanted he broke one of our camera's we just had installed in our house. We got so tired of the abuse and no one wanting to do anything that we spent 700.00 having a camera system installed so we could start recording all this. He told his dad if he didn't get his radio back he was gonna break something, turned immediately and broke the first camera he seen. Had police out again, they didn't want to arrest him because they didn't want to see him in jail on Christmas.
Here is just SOME of the stuff we've been through with this kid. There are alot more but I've already taken up much time. If you have read this far THANK YOU!!! I feel soooooo helpless and hopeless! I never thought the judicial systen could let me down soooo badly! If you have any advice or anywhere I can turn for help, I'd appreciate it! There are soooo many people failing this kid around me and I can't do anything but stand here and watch the destruction. I've tried sooooo much to help him but don't know what else to do! Thanks for reading!
How do you get help for your teen when the cops wont touch your kid cause she is mentally ill where do you go for help then
kids dont have to be teens they could be older i have gone through it for years i wondered when they would come out with parent abuse its about time im going to write myself a story about the abuse i have been though
I was a child of an abusive relationship. Dad left when i was 18 and i assumed responsibility for the family, I have succeeded in business and relationships and my husband of 21 years have 2 girls 20 and 16. the pendulum has seemed to swing so far back from then. My oldest daughter just wants someone to look after her. Even though she is so smart and at uni. I have always spelt out a man is not a financial plan and to be independant. My youngest daughter to my horror has the worst morals, has slept with many boys has a reputation and is awol at school, disrespectful at home, suspect she steals from us and hideous to her father and me. Before you say it is our home life, my husband and i love each other and our girls dearly. we have always protected them brought them up with good morals etc. I am so beaten down over the years i feel numb. we have tried psychologists to no avail. it almost seems the more you give the worse they get. maybe my hard knocks upbringing made me a better person. If that is the case can our happy family be the deathknell of our girls! Any advise?
i have only just come across this site at 2.30 am after yet another day of abuse from 14and half year old son. i have looked before for people in same boat but found nothing until today. i feel a sense of relief here and understanding that hasnt been present before on such a scale. my son was born agitated and has been ever since i cant make him happy the more i try the worse he gets when i stop trying he enjoys playing the victim and tells people i dont care or help him. my son too is good at school and only horrible to me in a big way. but very clever to hide this and keep it secret like secret abuse and 100% narcasistic and emotionally dangerous he is trying to completely destroy me. in a strange way i wish he would do it quicker and finish me off for good rather than a slow drawn out painful life with him. i am also scapegoat of my past relatives(mother father sons father ect) well son is just following tradition. although he only sees one or 2 members a year. it does make me wonder whether son would be so gobby and arrogant if i were to no longer exist. my guess is he would still carry on the sick lies to hide his own guilt and find power in that and abuse me when im long gone. but what he doesnt realise is that when the main scapegoat dies someone else has to take their place and it would be him next! i am only one blocking that at present. it sounds like i hate him but i actually love him . i just fear him everything about him. the lies he tells i am paranoid what else he says about me to who. whether he has stolen money. whether he going to start at any moment what he going to break next. whether he going to throw something at me , hit me , hit himself and say i did it , whether the next policeman is going to be manipulated into feeling sorry for son and believing son and not me ect which did happen once when threaten to stab me police said i was exagerating and manic well i would be if son abuse me for 3 hours and then threaten to stab me. i know my son will NEVER STOP hating my guts until i die. and for that i hate him too and regret having him am i aloud to say that hope no social services on here or i will have to die anyway before they get me i feel so hurt so confused and so bloody tired. and even expressing myself in this way makes me feel like im being a drama queen because of living in such a suppressed society.yet if i did happen to die the professionals would be the first to say why didnt she ask for help and tell us how she was feeling.because they the so called child experts would then have labelled me as a nutcase for having these feelings.
dont worry im not going to do anything silly just expressing feelings that are illegal to have. im sure i will be punished in one way or another with my sons behaviour in the morning. i just like to think i have one last bit of power over my own life and that is whether to live or die no one else can control that. if any abusive teenagers are offended by this then please stop bullying your mother just for the fun and power of it. all she wants is to help you and to make you happy and all you want is to hurt her and destroy her and tell her she is yur only problem when you know full well she isnt.and you push her and push her until she cant take anymore and you do it again on a daily basis just to see how she reacts and you let her know that you will never stop this behaviour for the rest of your life its no wonder some mothers have been pushed over the edge my son never gives me straight answers to why he behaving the way he does thats why i come to conclusion he just enjoys it. or he cant function without the power. all he has to do is tell me whats the matter and i would do anything to help him out of it unless its giving him hundreds of pounds that never made him happy he got angry for more.hope i havent offened anyone (passive aggressive now) or is that just side effect of living in repressed society its 4.40 now so hopefully i will sleep half the day and avoid son . he is even worse saturdays and sundays have no idea why exept he gets less sleep but that wouldnt explain monday tuesday wednesday thursday and fridays
I have an abusive 16 year old daughter with cognitive delays and mild Cerebral Palsy. I am a single mother and also have a 24 year old son that still tells me he loves me and hugs and kisses me, when he comes and goes.
My daughter just explodes at any moment with no warning. She is bigger than me now, and has bruised, scratched and hurt me severely. She broke my Shoulder blade(scapula), gave me a skull fracture, and stabbed me in the arm and hand with a butter knife(I needed 22 stiches). Each time SHE called the police on herself, they come and give her a sticker!!! The operator knows her by name because she has called so often.,
She mostly just explodes at me and the two small dogs, not at school. SHE WAS NEVER ABUSED BY ANYONE. I have been a stay at home mom and no one even watches her. I have been told she has a oppositional defiant disorder, and there is nothing the police or her social service disability worker can do to help me.
I have Addison's disease, Hypothyroidism, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have been in counselling for most of her life, due to the care she required and now the stress of being abused. I went to therapy today and was told by my doctor that my health is so poor, either I place her in an Out-Of-Home Counselling home or I should stop and pick out my gravestone. The doctor said I am due for a heart attack or coma due to the stress. I laughed because I had a heart attack last October, and still found no assistance or help. I am tired or People looking and saying I DID SOMETHING WRONG. Her Neuropsychologist believes it is due to her brains lack of oxygen at her birth, and there is no medication to fix her. I am lost and broken and DON'T know what to do. I am a great mother, and my son tells me so!!!
I have a 17 year old son. He was abusive in many ways. He was involved with many services right from the age of 3 on an ongoing basis including his school, counsellors, Children's Services, his own Doctor, and every possible Agency I could think of. Sure, some things "helped", but never for long. He continued to assert his rights while woefully neglecting the rights of myself and his siblings. He then chose to go off his meds that helped to curb his anger/outbursts. My family started to fall apart rapidly, his siblings would be abused if I didn't do as he said, when he said it. He used his brothers to hurt me. I had to put a stop to it. The police refused to arrest him, as in their words "If it were to be brought in front of a Judge, the Judge would dismiss it as sibling rivalry". Shocking! I was desperate to keep ALL my children and myself SAFE. He needed protection as much as we did. Out of desperation, I brought him into Children's Services and left him. His worker who'd been involved with my family for quite some time, knew I was coming and she ensured she was able to place him in a Foster Home. He didn't even last 1 month at his first placement. Claiming he couldn't deal with the children in those environments and started placing threats on thos children. He was quickly moved to another foster home, where he witnessed from another child, the exact behaviors he himself was displaying. This seemed to jolt him a little, as he was able to witness what/ how he looks like when he's like that, as well as the child on the receiving end. He even went so far as to interfere and defend the child who was being abused. This seemed to be a bit of a turning point for him. He didn't last long in the system after that, but I wasn't ready to have him come home yet, he still needed a full assessment, action plan, meds, etc. His brothers were also still terrified of him, as was I. His paternal grandmother took him in. Things started to slide again, rapidly. I was harassed at home, work, everywhere and anywhere. Received threats on a daily basis. His grandmother also "had enough" after just a few short months. Children's Services then put him up in an apartment with an older gentleman who was supposed to mentor him. In the meantime, my son and I started seeing a child pychologist together. This seemed to help both of us. We went once/week together, and he went once/week on his own as well. He ended up coming back home, 1 year after I placed him in the Foster system. For the most part it is working, though he does slip from time to time, especially during stressful periods, holidays, exams, etc. My saving grace is before he moved back in with me, we both sat down in his Childrens Services workers office and had him agree to and sign a behavioral contract. What was expected of him when he came home, and the consequenses were simple....if he chose NOT to adhere to the contract, he was making the CHOICE to also find alternative housing immediately. I'm not saying its been easy, but it definately has been worth it. He is my son, and I love him. Is it perfect, no, but is it worth it to stand by your child and let him know YOU are always on his side, but you also have rights and that includes the right to be safe and respected. We've been through hell and back as a family, but we did it as a family. He will always struggle, but he also always knows he is loved, his behavior is what wasn't.
I have just joined so I can follow this Hub. It is an important topic that is close to my heart. My name is Marie, and the above comment is a little from my experience with this issue. The more people speak of this issue, the more aware it will become. It is NOT something to be ashamed of and swept under the rug. It is real and needs real awareness.
Wow !!!! I am soo surprised and happy to see such a great number of responce from people. Tonight i was doing a presentation on the rights towards parents for the youth at our youth club and thought ill google some cases of children misbehaving towards parents. i typed "children abusing parents" but only results I got was help for child abuse. after scroling down the whole page came up with this site and saw the author mention exactly the same thing that crossed my mind, that if you google it you will not find anything.
please keep up the great work you are doing. I urge everyone to speak out, create parents lobbying groups and campaign like people do for dogs rights etc.
These social serviices officers do not have the slightest clue. Most of them do not even have children of thir own, for them to personally experience what a parent - child relation ship is and probably most were from broken families where father is unknown so they have personal grudge against parents.
these issues seriously needs to be tackled before its too late. i again strongly urge if some people could get to gether and organise some campaigning gruop. here I will leave my email, if any one is willing to take a lead I will be there to give full support and help. sadique.mamon@hotmail.com
Confront the teen about their behavior?? The problem here is verbal abuse. My daughter would die laughing then ask me what I thought I was going to do about it. She's right.....what can I do? Nothing. I am living until she is 18 and I can change my locks. It's been this long, I'll suffer through until I don't HAVE to take it anymore.....
My son is 15. Now that I have read this I know I'm a victim too. I thought. I was alone. I see that we as a family we need help. Thank you for the comments and advice. I am not alone. This is a very dark place to be by ones s
i told my situation with son to someone and they asked if id seen a film called we need to talk about kevin as it apparently sounds like what im going through. sounds like others are too!!! just thought id mention it im going to watch it as soon as i get hold of it.
Thank you for this article. A friend of mine brought it to my attention after sharing with her about my son. My son does all those things with the exception the substance abuse. I'm tired of everything in my home getting broken. We just bought a beautiful home and my son likes to throw things when upset, he cracked the tile in front of my fireplace. That's fixable but my son concerns me...and it seems everyone wants to keep saying that we are horrible parents. I nursed him, cloth diapered, made homemade food, let I'm express himself, played with him, had little play dates, nurtured him without nannies or sitters until he was 6. He was given undivided attention and loved dearly, I thought that was the most important part...what happened? Now he's 14 and I'm sending him to his father, who was absent most of his life.
@ Missionimpossible. Your feelings are exactly like mine. I totally understand what you mean. It's like he wants to kill me and I don't know why. I wish I could get a straight answer on why he's so mad. He sees a therapist and has seen one since he was 5. He constantly fishes for excuses on why he can't do something or why he feels a certain way. He is never at fault and its always my fault or someone else's. He pushes me so bad that i can tell he wants me to hit him so he can scream like someone is killing him, then I can get into some kind legal trouble. It's horrific to feel so alienated daily. Too many excuses for these type of children in society. Everyone has the answer on how to be a parent but so far we haven't seen the ONE true formaula! He doesn't respect or regard any one thing or any on person as his therapist would say. Believe that he's been taught it. It's truly sad. I worry daily. He will be going with his father and their family. I really hope that he gets whatever it is he feels he needs from them. I wish you luck on that and keep trying and reaching for help. I have, I even let the school know about him to make sure I protected myself because, its true, it's too easy nowadays for parent to go to jail for being falsely accused of abusing their children. My friend told me today I didn't have to put up with it. Those words were so special to me. I may have chosen to raise him and keep him but I did not choose for him to be the way he is towards me. I definitely don't feel I deserved it either. He should have saved that for his absent father.
Again, I am seeing comment after comment from people who are suffering from this little known type of domestic abuse.
Sending love to all out there who have commented and the thousands who haven't.
Work together people, support each other, because its those who have survived it who will know how to help those in need right now.
Raising awareness is half the battle, once people realise they are not alone, the empowering effect is amazing.
you will be surprised just how many people suffer in silence, believing themselves to be an isolated case.
YOu can do something in your community. If there is no support group, start one.
Contact your local police station and ask if there is a community officer who can come and talk to your group about the legal implications and what you can do.
Often, they feel helpless because there is no legislation in place and despite agreeing with the parent, they have been prevented from helping.
it us, the brave who have voiced our deepest fears who have to be yet braver, and speak out to encourage others who have been living under this dark cloud to come forward to demand help from social services, the police and the lobby the government to make changes in law to help safeguard parents, children and society.
One person on their own can do little, together, we can move mountains.
stay safe, stay sane and support each other.
Its the best chance of survival we have, and the best we can offer our confused hurt and angry kids, who turn on us because the world is so fucked up.
xxxxxxxxxxx ;) xxxxxxxxxxxxx
My kid started abusing me when she was 8, we were living with my mom who has never had empathy or respect for me. I have been constantly beaten up by her and being called names.even she told me once that when I was a kid she wanted to kill me but was afraid of law, anyhow my only escaping place was school and I was straight A student, went to college, at the end of my first semester I had to accept an arrearage marriage with a much older man. he was not much better than my mom but I was just happy that he didn't physically abuse me. for month even once for 2 years he left me in my mom's without any explanation. I was young, beautiful and smart as other people said to me. But he always called me crazy and retard. after more than 20 years I am almost out of that relationship, working toward my financials independence. but my own child, who is an adult, is replacing my mom and my husband, calling me ugly......swears constantly, and wishes that I die. every time she see me she say :ugh, when is going this monster die. I just stay silent and cry:)
lou purplefairy i have been reading comments above from 2 years ago and you said about community support officers. well most sympathize with the teenager. it is pot luck if you get a good one. the best ones in my experience are the real police. you can definately tell the difference between professional and non professional with police. i think the professional ones have more dealings with criminals and can spot the signs earlier. but they have handed us over to support officers . some are sensible , some like to act professional but are bias at the same time! i was told im not perfect . i was treated like i was sons sister not mother. she told us both to phone her if problems. great! she knows fall well i wont be phoning after her comments. so i guess she did her job well by making sure i dont hassle police again. i saw her in street and she just stare at me for too long like im a nutcase. no wonder she is only support officer. others have been less judgemental and spoke to son but adviced on not arresting him as it will go on his record. i agreed. as i dont want him getting a record. i was greatful they didnt judge me. i am not perfect and i have reacted to son on occasions where it was impossible. i believe this is why some parents dont speak out. the guilt of actually being angry at bullying teenager. and being human. its not just the police and social services who play on that guilt its the teenager themselves who blame their behaviour on you for the next 20 years when they were already behaving like that before. scapegoating. its almost like the teenagers are being egged on by some of these people at least i can see why the teenagers think they are. the kids dont realise that they are being short changed by not being helped , spoken to properly , and stopped before its too late. only the parents and the wise policeman know the value of a good talking to when younger. from not just the parent.a talk with a teenager can make the world of difference. and the police do have the power to have that chat. some kids do listen !
What is needed, is police officers who are trained properly to handle this situation. Unfortunately, the current paradigm is to come to the side of the abusive children and blame the parents. there needs to be a shift in the thinking, and support for parents. The whole system is out of balance and common sense seems to have gone out of the window.
In smaller communities, where the funding is much scarcer, the community police officers (not the PCSO's) do seem to have more of an idea of what the reality is, and the stern chat from the "local beat bobby" does often work. It is a shame that we do not have as many of these types with common sense in our forces across the country.
because funding is scarcer in these communities, pre-emptive action by what I term common sense police officers, does seem more prevalent, if only to cut their work load down and to reach the impossible targets set for them by central government.
It seems to me, that in smaller and more often rural communities and towns, where it is often the cas that the officers are actually local themselves, have grown up in the community that they have "inside local knowledge" which helps them forge better relationships with those whom they serve. Sadly, this is the exception rather than the rule, and the larger cities do not have this, since the migration and flow of people is high and no strong links are able to be formed. It is here that the interface between police and community become faceless on both sides, and the humanity is completely lost to a system which as no emotional responses to emotional situations.
Community leaders have vital roles to play working along side such agencies, but while most are at best over worked and underfunded, there is just not the resources to cultivate these types of relationships, and therefore all faith and trust in the justice system disappears in a back log of legislation, red tape and bureaucracy.
The abuse is a symptom of a much larger issue, the complete and widespread break down of real community and extended family, which we as members of that community allow through perceived fear of other people, which is an idea that is propagated by governments across the world with ever more presence of CCTV cameras, personal security and segregation.
No wonder our children turn on us, when this is the world they are born into.
Glynnie, i understand about the intense neediness from your teenager after the bad behaviour. my 14 year old son swings from aggression and shouting threatening to break things breaking things , shouting lies about me and if any of the above is stopped he will also turn to intense neediness. he cant his shoe, ive hidden it , to having to blow dry his hair, making moany noises brcause it take him so much effort to get out of bed even if im not one telling him to get up. generally acting like he cant breath without me. Also Glynnie my son is a good acter too infront of police and acts shy, placid , and sensible and he too tells police we just argue. it is so similar to your experience that it is starting to sound normal , like this is what some kids do! so why do professionals not believe us? LouPurple you are right we need to speak out. i just dont have the confidence to start a groupbut would definately join one if one started. and am willing to spread anonymous leaflets on subject. uh oh son just walked in got to go will finish later!
Kids who abuse parents and siblings, doubly alienate themselves. They need help, and often refuse to accept they have an issue. Like an alcoholic will refuse they have a problem, like a drug abuser refuses to accept they have a problem, like an abusive and violent partner refuses to accept they have a problem. These kids need help too, but you cannot help them if you yourself are broken from their abuse.
get help for yourself first, then you can help your child and be the parent that they want but do not realise they have :)
new facebook group here
the hubpages police will not allow me to publish this hub with new links, so I am adding it in the comments. here is part of the link
://www.facebook.com/groups/348622781837219/
you will have to add the prefix "https" when you copy and paste, or Hubpage Police will not allow me to publish this hub with links to facebook in it.
Feeling so lost and hopeless right now. I have a 16 yr old son, with ADHD, who is making home life unbearable for myself and my other 7 year old son.
There has been no physical abuse towards me but I feel very threatened by him. He is emotionally and verbally abusive mostly but has threatened violence and has caused damage to the house, breaking the front door recently.
Basically, if I challenge any of his behaviours or try to punish those behaviours, he completely loses it and I end up bearing the brunt.
It strikes me how many people in these situations talk about ending their own lives. I don't consider myself suicidal, but the way I was treated by my son yesterday has left me with bizarre thoughts of killing myself in order to escape this.
I believe we feel more trapped than the usual domestic violence victim. Because we feel that we owe these children a duty of care and can't easily just walk away.
My heart goes out to each and every one of my fellow sufferers.
Just because you have not been used as a physical punch bag, does not mean you have not been abused. Abuse takes many forms. Kids on the ASD scale are frequently abusive, because of their conditions, as are children and teenagers who have been sexually abused. Often, if they have come from a home where one of the parents has been a domestic abuse victim, they remaining adult is frequently abused by the children after the abusive partner has left. Kids learn this behaviour by observation. That said, there is an increasing number of kids and teens who have had a normal un-abusive upbringing, and still turn out abusive. This is an indication of the societal factors that cause this. Namely observed behaviour from abusive kids in schools.
We like to think that our schools have a zero tolerance on bullying. In practical terms this is nonsense and just as much bullying goes on in school as there ever was. Education staff have targets to meet and often do not have time or resources to deal with bullying and abusive children. this then goes unchecked and children learn this behaviour and repeat it at home to gain control.
All abuse is basically different forms bullying and intimidation to exert control over an third party and behind every bully, is a bigger bully and so the cycle continues unbroken.
How many of us are suffering abuse from our adult children???
How many times,when you only call once or twice a month do you phone & talk to a home or mobile machine as you live more than a 1,000 klms away.
No reply, another machine. Ring another sibling & find the first is with them & has just ignored your call.
You know they are connected at the hip with their phone but they are showing you just how little you enter their thoughts & even when you instigate the contact they ignore you.
When grand children come along, you ring these so called adults at the hospital only to be told they will ring you later.
Later doesn't happen & they give the impression to everyone else that "You don't care about them".
These are no longer children they are adults who now withhold your grand children from you "BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE POWER" & to keep you dangling.
Your damned if you try to maintain that bond & damned if you don't.
They are bullies of the very worst kind & we allow them to take our power because we love them with all our heart.
Sooner or later you come to the reality that you need to pull back & move on your lifes path.
Refuse to spend your money talking to a machine.
If they don't want to have a conversation with an adult then step back. Ring family who care.
It hurts deeply when you start, but it's better than the abuse you have no control over.
I am looking into the abuse of older parents by adult children, and this is just as abusive, but a separate issue from the one I am highlighting here. Dealing with it earlier on n their lives, will help prevent the abuse of older parents and elderly parents from adult children. I am currently researching this topic so will be publishing another hub related to this one.
My 17yr old daughter was taken into custody last night. I am a thirty five yr old mother of six who suffers from a mental disability and physical disability and she punched me repeatedly in the face and pushed me down a flight of stairs last night. My child was abused by her ex step father and ^so I suppose she thinks that when you disagree with someone you beat them. I was concerned about her 6 f's 2 d's and 1 c in school I just wanted her to graduate and she beat me up...
A high school friend in Wisconsin has been arrested & charged with reckless endangerment, child abuse, & child neglect. Child is 15. Bio-Mom gave up parental rights in Texas court choosing her registered sex offender boyfriend over her daughter. Bio-Dad & girlfriend(now married) drove to Texas & brought girl home. Soon after realizing the girl had lots of problems. The girl threatened members of the family with a knife, including baby/toddler. She also has cognitive delays & language skills delay, both receptive & expressive. The parents had to install an alarm to alert them if she came out of her room, which is in the basement. She has eating disorders anorexia & bulimia. She also has toileting issues-refusal to use toilet. They have tried to get help, but when Psy. or Social Worker interviews girl; she appears normal, just a little slow. It is only when observed for several hours or days does one get true picture. An example of language skills that have been misinterupted by officials: "I poop in jars." The officials assume she has been forced to do that. I have seen or witnessed these behaviors myself; however, the stepmother has called me & talked for hours about the girl's behaviors. I just don't think the charges are accurate. My friend isn't the brightest person, but she has tried to seek out help & research information. I am wondering if anyone knows of a legal case in the US that involved similar circumstances. Personally, I think friend may be guilty of neglect, because she could have insisted her husband, the Bio-Dad, have girl committed for an lengthy evaluation or at least called an ambulance & sent child to hospital. Any help would be appreciated. Another note, friend's son (step-bro to girl) has been charged with sexual abuse. Again language barrier. Girl says "Yes, he has touched me."
I have a 17 year old son with mod/severe autism & have had to barracade myself in my bedroom to escape his hitting me. I have even called the cops because my son had attacked me & I managed to push him out of house into the secure backyard (not cold out). I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hold him off if I let him in. Cops arrived and asked what I wanted them to do. I explained that he doesn't understand that he is hurting me & that is wrong These attacks seemed almost like rage seizures. I didn't want them to hurt him just to pull him off of me if he attacked again. Any kind of help would be very much appreciated.
typo in above comment. I have NOT seen or witnessed these behaviors myself.
A parent of a 16 child who runs away beats on me lies and call child protection on me after she has Called me everything under the sun .its time we make laws to push them under control . I like to pass a law to stop thees kind of children of dmv on parent can any one help and souprt me with this isisunique18@gmail thank u
I am having second thoughts of pressing charges do I or do I let her come home. I do love my children so it is so hard to just not blame myself for her actions and bring her home what do ido
I have one question if an adoptive teen is harassing you and you went to the adoptive teens house to confront him and to tell his parents and they do not anything about it and than put harassment charges on the teen, can the adoption agency take away the child due to lack of discipline from the parents?
I ask this because this is happening to me and some of my friends
I have just come home from the Family Court, I am seeking AVO's against my two daughters. Actually the police are seeking the AVOs, so I cannot stop that process. My daughters have gone to their father and he is backing them up, believing their lies, sending me texts calling me a dispicable human being, a "thing", a liar, a thief. I raised my girls with little help from him. He refused to pay child support, owes much, but would sometimes give the girls money or presents. I love my daughters dearly, one is 20 and the other 15. Both struggled with school and the youngest is a school refuser, I have attended so many counsellors and school meetings trying to get her to school. She's addicted to the internet. My children objected to me having a serious relationship develop over the past year and demanded I get him out of "their" house. I stood my ground. The sweet children I knew have attacked my physically 4 times in the past 2 months demanding I get my boyfriend out of "their" house. At court today I crumbled, a wobbly crying mess. I was treated like I was a weirdo, told to sit apart from everyone, I felt like they were considered the victims. The girls and their father laughed at me, I felt shaky and tripped over. I'm a mess. I've lost my family. I tried so hard with no support and they were not easy kids. My eldest should have left home instead of complaining. I spoilt them.
I'm so glad I found this page. My son is 12, he has AS and adhd and he thinks the world revolves around him and the sun shines out of his butt! He is verbally abusive and threatening to me,physically and verbally abusive to his 9yr old brother, he trashes the house, refuses to go to school, he has hit two teachers at his school and caused another to feel threatened (his school are very good). He has hit me once and I did call the police on him, he has also left the house with a knife and I called the police on him then too, he know has a caution. We have a social worker whose as useful as a chocolate teapot! i have been told if he gets bad to contact the police again but the last time I did I was told it wasn't their job to parent my children! I always said I would never stay with someone who hit me but when the blow comes from your child it seems you're left to deal with it.I'm currently under a mental health team as I couldn't cope anymore, but when I explain the reason I've had enough is because I can't cope with my 12 year old anymore I feel stupid. I'm sick of crying and dreading him getting up in the morning or walking through the door.
This is a subject that needs serious public exposure.
This Website has made me feel calm, simply because I don't feel alone. It has made me cry, worry and laugh (no offence). As a parent I must have been at the end of my teather to google, children abusing parents!
My girls are 13 and 12, it has taken me this long to seek internet advice for the 13 yr old. It is hard to seek asdvice on high achiever's, I am lucky,she is good at public speaking, sports awards, school captain etc, I sound ungrateful but at home for many years this 13 yr old has been manipulative, cunning, belittles me, argumentative (non stop). She is very clever and knows her rights. It is a long story. I am a sole parent, and have single handlely rared them on my own from birth with minimal support (morally and financially). I am not the most greastest parent but I have been fair and just. The 13yr old cannot take NO for an answer, therefore I am continually held to emotional blackmail or extortion or something. If it dosnt go her way, we end up scared. Behind closed doors she will threaten, throw stuff, trash the house. She belts her sister until I have to almost resusitate her? something is gunna go wrong soon. I am not perfect, if I kick her out cos I loose my temper, she will throe a rock threw the window. If I try to drive away, she stands behind the car so I can't back out. If I walk away, she follws me. She is out to destroy me. The only motive I can make sense of in her benefit is if she makes me look crazy enough, she might get sympathy from other people for having such a bad, angry Mum?? Also, she gets alot of power over me, but what does that acheive? Except, prove I am an angry dragon and she has won and I am at fault for everything. Also, she is sweet as , like butter wouldn't melt her mouth to the neighboughs, school and authorities, which is good but makes me look like a fool if I dare coment on how out of contol things are. I have tried to sought this out when she was well before kindregarten age? Looser Mum!Don't Judge Me,Please
Thank you for this article and the comments. I went to the internet looking for help. I didn't even know what to search for since no one I know had put a name on parent abuse. (although now I see it has happened to many people I know). I sit here heartbroken and covered with bruises. Three months ago, we had an 11 year old foster girl placed with us in the hope that we would be able to adopt her after the six month waiting period. There was trouble from the very beginning. She was just verbally and emotionally abusive at first and she would hit me (hard enough to leave bruises) and say she was "just playing". Then if she didn't get her way, she would leave a trail of destruction across the house. Literally, she would start at one end shoving everything off the dressers until she got to the kitchen where she upturned anything smaller than her. She even tried to shove the tv off the cabinet. At first I'd hide in my room because I didn't know what to do. Then I started standing up to her telling her I would not allow that and order her to her room. That's when she would really start flailing her arms and hitting me. I never hit her back. I only tried to restrain her arms. This happens quite frequently but the last straw was a couple of days ago. She didn't get her way over one small thing and she set off on her trail of destruction again. This time I would not stand for it and ordered her to her room to calm down. This time when she started to hit me I tried to pin her to the ground and restrain her arms. I halfway succeeded but not without her biting and kicking me. I wanted to hit her so bad but as a foster parent I would have ended up in jail and on the news. She finally stormed off to her room and didn't come out until morning. I barely slept that night and talked to my husband about calling her social worker to take her away. I really wanted this to work out and have tried everything. Counseling for her, positive reinforcement, love, patience, stability, boundaries. We tried to give it all. I'm on a low dosage of antidepressants due to a horrible time last year and now I find myself looking at the bottle wanting to take them all just for a few minutes of "happiness". My self esteem is back to the level it was when I was 11 myself and being tormented by 11 year old girls. She'll look at me with the sweetest face and tell me I'm ugly and fat. She loudly announced at the doctor's office that I sat at home and did nothing all day because I'm a housewife. I tried to take it all in stride but I can't take the physical abuse anymore. Today she tried to be all sweet and affectionate. I couldn't even look at her. I spent most of the day hiding in my room. I could tell she was fishing for info on whether we were still going to adopt her by talking about the plans for the future we had made. It makes me sad because I know she needs a good stable home and I wanted that to be ours but now I want nothing to do with her. I'm so ashamed. After reading some of the comments, I realize now that if we adopt her, this abuse could last for years. i can barely make it through the day much less 7-8 years until she moves out. I've decided we're going to have to have her removed. I know this will probably ruin her life to be moved from yet another foster home and it breaks my heart.
I have a disabled child (wheelchair user) of 16 yrs old . My child has physical - mental and emotional problems ..
I have done everything i can via social services CAMHS counselling for the last 5 yrs but still i am beaten verbally abused and emotionally blackmailed on a regular basis .
WHERE ARE MY RIGHTS AS A PARENT
I am sick to the pit of my stomach being told it will all get better soon but when i ask 'When will this be' no one can answer because no one knows !
Im tired really tired and i dont want to live like this any more . I dont live i just exist . I go through the motions of daily live yet i dont have a life.
Last night i was beaten in the street by my child whilst trying to get her into the car from her wheelchair (she had run away once again)I do this for her own safty this was witnessed by passers by who just stood there . My child screaming abuse ripping out my hair and shouting for help stating i was abusing her !
I am the one getting the beatings on the regular and she is the one with all the rights .
HOW IS THAT FAIR !
I'm not sure what I expect to gain from this but I'm a single mother of three children. I am becoming truly scard of my 15 year old child. As I have read the comments below I do feel a bit better (have struggled with feeling like a lousy parent). I have been being abused by my son continually and am alone, scard, and have a lack of direction/support. For a little over a year my son has been calling me horrible names, punching me, pushing me, breaking household items, leaving the house whenever, hitting his siblings, and refusing to assist with any household chores. I have had to call the police on him several times due to him punching me in my face, and pushing me to the ground so that he could get outside when he was grounded. The police were wonderful but there hands were tied. They could arrest him with my permission but informed me that he would be arrested and returned home until his court date. I neglected to arrest in fear that he would come home angry and destroy my home or hurt me and or his siblings. I am confused and could really use some emotional support right now :'( I came here because I don't know where to go or what to do.
Thanks for making this page. I think a facebook page would be a great idea.
Good afternoon everybody I cannot tell you how happy I was to find this sight. I am among one of the 17,000 plus adults who is being abused by her child of 21 years old. The abuse started when she was about 18 but has eculated since then. She started with tamtrum throwing, then making sure that she personally ruined any important day for me e.g. my birthday, mother's day, Christmas then saying to me "I ruined your important day good that is what I wanted I'm happy now" And the ruining could mean anything from swearing at me, name calling, acting crazy as I was preparing to go out or get ready for these important days. As the years went on this esculated into throwing heavy cereal bowls at me, a heavy vase filled with flowers and water to recently punching me and pulling my hair and running after me to attack me. This has happened about 4 times now. Then she tells me that she is going to kill me in my sleep. I have a younger daughter who is 19 this is very upsetting to her she yells at my oldest daughter telling her to stop treating mom so awful. Lou thank you for this site I now feel stronger because of it and plan to take action against this violence.
As of today this hub has had 31,000 views since I wrote it. That 31,000 people all seeking advice and help because they are affected by this issue. People, you are NOT ALONE. You are not the only one going thru this experience. As you read this now, someone somewhere is going through the exact same abuse you are going thru. Our children are changing. Our children are exhibiting signs of a sickness that affects the whole of our society. This is the mental illness of the whole human race, and unless we as parents change this, it will carry on and on and on and on and on....
My friend has a daughter who has abused her for many years. She is now 19 and is increasing fly becoming more and more violent. How can I help her. She feels she can still help her and was recently put in the hospital after passing out from a blow to the back of the head. Daughter was arrested for misdemeanor assault. The mom now doesnt want to press charges and is weak. She won't cut off her phone or quit secretly giving friends money to make sure "she survives" out there in the world. I'm in California, USA and need help as to where to look. I'm afraid she will kill her.
My daughter has slapped me across the face, punched me, swears at me all the time. My husband, son and I all agree that she is abusive. She is 18. She tells all the time that she hates me "down to her very bones". She is not like this 100% of the time, but at times she just "flips". She sometimes feels sorry and apologizes, sometimes she says I deserve it. Her close friends witness her disrespect and shake their heads. Her boyfriend tells her she's right and he hates me and thinks I am a bitch. I would really like her to move out, but I can't bring myself to make her leave, because I would then feel guilty. I wish I could just let go completely. I think one day she'll grow up and be ashamed of her behavior. I am so tired. She tells me to stay out of her business, I'm stupid, I don't know what I'm talking about, I worry too much, etc., but the minute she's got a problem, she lays it at my feet. I know I need to break from her, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. My husband would be behind it if I did. I just need to put these thoughts down somewhere. Thanks.
what is the Facebook group called? I tried looking it up but it doesn't come up. Since I wrote this 2 months ago, my son dropped dirty again while on probation. He was ordered to do an evaluation at a drug rehab where they decided he doesn't need any help. He is also out of my home right now because he threatened to kill his little brother, along with coming after his dad and I once again. His probation officer of course, did nothing about it again and we sent him to stay with him bio moms mom. Not sure if she will be keeping him or we will be forced to take him back. His psychiatrist and our family counselor have both told me he needs jail time (along with telling his probation officer this) but his probation officer just does not want to see him in jail. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see my son in jail either but if he can get straightened out before he's 18 and it's on his record for life then I say do what we gotta do! I just don't know what to do with this kid anymore. If he moves back here, my son and I are moving to my mother in laws and unfortunately, it will be my son and husband here alone. I am very fearful of what will happen but I don't know what else to do. I have to protect my younger son too! Just hope my son doesn't kill my husband in one of his rages- then I'm sure the police will just say oops!
Hello Lou, im so glad i have found this site, i am a single mum of three teenagers, the children i have at home are 20, 19, 13 years old. I have dedicated my life to my children, im not saying im the perfect parent, but i have always been there for them, in every respect. My ex husband was emtionally abusive, and after 15 years of marriage to him, decided to end it. Eight years on i find myself been abused emotionally by my children, they refuse to contribute to the rent saying i am the parent, i should pay it, despite the two oldest working full-time. They will not do any work around the house, only preparing themselves food and leaving the dishes to me. I have recently brokent my leg and find myself in a position where i cannot do all the chores, and still they refuse to help. If i say i need help due to my leg, they say i just want " sympathy " say im pathetic because i cannot weight bare on my leg and am walking on crutches, i have managed to stand and wash the dishes though, because i couldnt stand looking at them anymore, the rest of the house leaves a lot to be desired. my oldest son tells me he has heard of people who have had both legs blown off and have to carry on, and have gone on to run marathons, i explained my leg was in plaster to allow the bone to heal. I have been in plaster for four weeks now, and in that time have been offered two possibly three hot drinks, i have to go into the kitchen make a drink, and drink it in there, as i cannot carry it to the lounge and use my crutches. The oldest two earn the same amount of money as i do, but i have asked them to pay a quarter of the rent each and me half, i do not think that is unreasonable, but they do, we may even loose the house due to my period of sickness, as i had started a new job and only worked there for a few weeks, so i have this added pressure to. I have felt so put down by them that i am considering leaving home with my youngest and getting a flat, for just the two of us, to make the older ones aware of the cost of living, and the work and effort that goes into running a home.
right, I have the facebook group address here and its a closed group. I am writing the address here without the www. or the https bit because hubpages will pull my hub if it has links to a facebook group which they say violates their terms and conditions so if i write it on three lines, just take each component in order, and paste into your toolbar. I know its silly, but hubpages police have unpublished this hub twice since I tired to include links to the fb group so I have to be sneaky :)
facebook.com/groups/
348622781837219/
The group is called The Silent Suffering of Parents and Carers Abused By Children, and its a closed group. I am the admin and if you want to join to have a safe place to discuss all of your issues, its the place to come and support each other. Its quite new and we only have 7 members at present. lets get the numbers up :)
Greetings,
I too am not able to find you on facebook. Not even under the name of your group. I'll keep looking though.
Thanks so much!
I cannot understand why you cannot find it. Others can. I will post the full address here, but I may have to edit the comment later
facebook.com/groups/348622781837219/
you will need to put the "https://www. " in front of the address minus the speech marks.
Hi I am so stressed out my 6 daughter is out of control. Since I had a baby a year ago it's getting worse. Last night I was lying on my bed and because I was ignoring her tantrum she put her arms around my neck I couldn't breathe was so scared I have cried ever since I really don't know what to do please help :(
I have a almost 17 yr old son that needs help bad . It's getting worse and everyone else is seeing it. last night he left marks on both of my forearms and tried to break my fingers.
you need to go and see your doctor and get her checked out for any form of autism and get some help for yourself.
YOu need to accept that you are a victim of domestic violence and seek help from your doctor and the police.
It is there, and if you use the link I have provided you will find it. Others are being able to find it so I know it works.
the only way is to prosecute for assault. She is not a child, she is an adult and should be thrown her out of the house and the locks changed. YOur friend needs to understand she is being assaulted by an adult, no different than if she was mugged on the street.
These are not "children" but adults who are committing assault. The best thing you can do for them as a parent is show them what happens to adults who break the law. Prosecute for assault and throw them out of the house and change the locks. Would you tolerate this behaviour from a stranger? no? then you have the power to do something.
The thing is, when you foster a child, you are not getting a "perfect child", you are getting an equivalent of an unwanted dog with behavioural issues from a dogs home. Don't get me wrong, I am not comparing a child to a dog, merely the situation.
It is never ever easy, and fostering a child with a view to adopting one takes time dedication, patience, compassion and experience. Sadly, many childless couples who are desperate for a child do not comprehend this and it is a complete shock to the system when they discover that the foster child they have given everything becomes abusive.
Look upon this experience as one of deep learning. You mention she brought you back to when you were 11 years old emotionally, because she was acting out after being rejected. She is a child, not an adult, and one who has no trust in any adult whatsoever. You are still so trapped in an 11 year old emotional state that you are hiding in your room and refusing to look at her, despite the fact she is trying to communicate with you in a confused state after being unable to control her compulsive and abusive behaviour. You have not reassured her at all or made hr feel safe. She is a child. You are the adult she is supposed to be able to trust and feel safe with.
I would advise you and your husband to seriously reconsider what you are doing.
No child in the care system is "issue free". They all have issues, emotional problems, history of abuses et, which is why they end up in care. Not because of any fault of their own, but because they have been failed by the adults who were supposed to be caring for them.
I have many friends who have been long term foster carers and its hard. A foster child often is violent, and yes you can classify it as abuse because it is, but the first thing any experience foster carer will tell you that being verbally, mentally and physically abused is a part of the job. You also have to be issue free yourself, and have come to terms with all your hang ups, so that you do not have your "buttons pushed" by a child who will inevitably abuse you because it has been rejected and/or removed from its natural family.
I am not sure which country you live in, but in the UK it is very common to get a child who hits and verbally abuses you from the care system. In the UK, you have to go on a foster carers course and you are trained to deal with this type of behaviour. Most of the potential foster carers drop out, finding it too emotionally difficult to deal with older children, and even those that do, will only take a certain age group. Most of them want the unwanted babies, which are far easier and more rewarding to care for.
Sadly, there are not enough unwanted babies to go around, but there are millions of unwanted and disturbed older children, made that way because their own parents could not care for them, or because they have been orphaned, spilling out of children's homes in the UK. These kids will never find a foster home or an adoptive home. It is not because there are not the families out there who want to adopt a child, or foster one, but there are very, very few people up to the job, because as you and your husband have discovered, it is gruelling and demanding. It is the equivalent of volunteering to join the front line knowing full well that there is a 90% chance you will be shot and killed in the first 24 hours of active service.
I am sorry if this is not the advice you wanted to hear, but foster kids need a 1000% more compassion and love, patience and understanding despite their abusive behaviour to gain their trust and get thru to them, and it sounds like you are just not in a position to do this.
This is not your fault, but the response you have exhibited as a foster carer is exactly the sort of response which the child does not need to learn that abusing someone is not OK. The fact that you are hiding in your room and cannot look at her tells me you are more concerned of your own welfare and feelings than that of the foster child.
Abusive foster children are a completely different situation than a natural child being abusive for no apparent reason, which is why I wrote this article.
I have years of experience with many different types of children, able children and special needs children, and abused children.
The fact that your foster child is talking about your plans for the future is a way of her trying to communicate to you that she is sorry, out of control, remorseful and frightened of being rejected yet again. A trained foster carer would see this, and not be so blinded by their own unresolved childhood issues.
I think you are making absolutely the right decision to send her back to the care home, I do not think this child is right for you at all. In fact I believe that you and your husband are not right for this child.
I would seriously reconsider fostering or adopting a child until you have sorted out your issues and fears and accepted the reality, that fostering a child to adopt is like taking on an dog with severe behavioural issues and will take years of perseverance, compassion, self sacrifice and love to get any results, if any. there are no guarantees. I am glad you have had this experience now, because by the time you have adopted a child to figure this out, its too late, and you then drop the child back into a system that could not care about its issues, just its day to day care. This girl will grow up as a disturbed and emotionally damaged young woman, incapable to rearing her own kids if she does not get the help she needs. You and your husband, despite being full of love, eagerness and the will to give an unwanted child a home, just aint living in the real world when it comes to these children.
Your social worker has failed not only the child but you as well. More often than not, a social workers caseload is so heavy they are willing to place any child anywhere just to get them out of the children's home to make room for the many more arriving at the doors. Often you get no case history and you are left to deal with a confused, scared, untrusting child who is suffering from rejection and cannot build bonds. They run on a self preservation programme which often uses violent and abusive behaviour to make them feel like they are in control of their own lives, to protect themselves from further hurt and rejection. They have often been bullied, physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abused.
I am not trying to denigrate your experience which has obviously made you feel like you can no longer cope ( and you are validated in feeling this way: abuse is unacceptable), but this particular case is not like the rest of the people here who suffer abuse for no reason at the hands of their own child. You do not have the maternal bonds with this 11 year old girl, that other mothers have with their own children, and that is important for the child and the mother. When this bond is broken, the child trusts no one, not even the natural parents, which is often why they end up becoming abusive.
I would book some counselling sessions with your social worker to explore the issues to have encountered before taking on another child, because if you do not, this will happen again, resulting in the same problem of the child being rejected again, and you feeling like a failure and left heartbroken and confused as to why you cannot have a child you just want to give a home and love to, and be a family. I do understand what you have experienced, and abuse is never ever acceptable. There is work here that needs to be done and the sooner you and your husband face up to it, the better you will all feel.
You should contact a foster parents support network and get involved with other foster carers with decades of experience for advice and support and find out how to cope with behaviour of a rejected foster child.
Good luck, and lots of love to you x
I have a 16yr old daughter who is verbally abusive and recently took it to the level where she hit me. I had to hold her down by sitting on her and holding g Ger arms Downs. I left bruises on her arms and now I'm being investigated by cps they sure didn't take any pictures of my bruises tho. I'm awaiting to see the end results of the investigation. Its tough to deal with but they say it gets better
I am a teenager, just recently turned 18. I can account for the fact that this kind of abuse happens and does cause family breakdown. My brother shows all the signs included on this page (with the exception of physically harming my mother). I did notice that it said "the ability for empathy and compassion is not present in the teenage psyche" I feel this part is not entirely accurate, although most of my colleagues show no such sign of either empathy or compassion, I myself feel that I do not lack said traits, and have not throughout my life. I can also say, in support of my mother, that I have excellent parents and that I am the person I am today because I have always looked up to them for guidance and support. I feel helpless when my brother abuses my mother and even though they are trying to do something about it by sending him to a support group I feel it isn't helping. I support my mother as bet I can, but violence only leads to more violence (which my mother taught me) and I have no financial means nor skills to use to help my mother stop this behavior. He abuses drugs and often drinks and I wish she would do more that what she is doing, but money is tight enough right now with me going to college soon and his meetings being paid for and I just don't see how she can do anything else. I just wish he would wake up and see the damage he's doing. I don't even think I really consider him my brother anymore, now to me it's like hes just an ass who lives in my house and abuses my mother, and I'm sick of it.
Nice to hear and read all these comments and know its not just my family. I have a 14 1/2 year old son and I'm at my wits end.. He has had the best life mum and dad still together solvent 2 younger siblings and never wanted for anything but it seems I got it wrong. I can't see where any of this will end. The devastation of realising your son is strangling you in a head lock releasing and adding pressure in a controlled manner still has me in tears. I can believe things have got to this stage. Me and my husband have been together 17 years and this is the only thing that has come close to rocking us. My husband just doesn't speak to our son anymore, he can't , he is a police officer and after being threatened by our son that he will report his dad and make him lose his job what can my husband do?.. Call social services he tells me .. Then I will tell them what a bad mum you are and they will take away the younger children... Yeah these are some of the god awful things we get threatened with and never is any remorse shown. Oh we have tried all the tips and books, reward and punishment, love and respect, talking, anger, but still I get called a retard. Don't tent me wrong there are brief moments of niceness...obviously in the run up to hm then demanding something but we do hold onto the nice times thinking one day they may stay and see he can't be that bad he does know how to be nice sometimes, thing is I love him with all my heart , I would give my life for him , I am in constant state of sadness or trepidation. Worrying when I hear the front door as to what mood is going to walk in the house. On a good day he will come in and be positively happy but it can change in the blink of an eye. I'm scared to tell him to do anything because I get told to make him ... Well clearly I can't make him... I tell him I'm gonna confiscate things and he tells me to try and get them off him, I try to ignore him ..don't take the bait when he is goading me and then I wonder why is it only me that feels sad about all this, where are his feelings??. I spoke to the school and they couldn't believe the charming hard working boy they knew could swirly behave like this oh if only walls had eyes then maybe I could get smemhelp to change this.. Nice to know I am not alone but we all need some support and to get back some power.
my daughter is a adult she and my grand kids lived with me for yearsShe never had a job so we took care of the done everthing for her she lived wit us and never have to pay nothing ,we took them on all kinds of vaccations ever year ,we payed fpor all the holdays and every week end almost we were all ways going to somewhere flooting camping roller skating etc ,then she move out and we still helped her .her and the kids never done without anything she needed help we was there to help, WHILE SHE LIVED WITH US SHE STARTED STEALING FROM US AN TRYING TO CAUSE TROUBLE .WHEN i COUGHT HER SHE PROMISED SHED NEVER STILL FROM ME AGAIN . I BELIEVED HER . SHE MOVE OUT FINALL ,THE SHE BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE AND STOLD ALL MY PERSONAL THINGS RTHAT MENT EVERTHING TO ME TO ME IT WAS PRICELESS ,BUT SOME OF IT WASNT WORTH ANYTHING TO NO ONE but me . like my cloths pictures movies etc. she said shes done without a mother all this long why should she start now ,Im not sure how to handel this ,does any know ? I reported it but got no where,
my son is 27 years old and has lived in the family home all his life. He went to university got a good degree but had a nervous breakdown in his first good job. Since hius recovery he has been unable to hold down a job for more than 2 or 3 months mostly veing unable to cope with pressure and "team" culture. Now he has opened a website and insists on travelling all over the country to find information for this website. Up to now we have given him financial help but he has bled us dry and refuased to give us money back. Even when he has had money he would spend it onb clothes or equipment and gadgets rather than pay us anything of the £5000 he owes.
Now we have nothing for our retirement and we have had to make him homeless to get him out of the house. He still comes home most of the day as he has no job at present and as we are Christians we try to
I understand that my children who are adults have been abusing me for years. I know it and have finally had enough. My heart will never be free of the pain that they are such sick individuals and I will never have what I wanted most in life...
FAMILY!!! I WOULD BE OKAY TO SUFFER WITHOUT THEM BUT TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE SO DEPRAVED, AND IT WILL COME BACK ON THEM HURTS EVEN MORE. THIS IS MY BLOODLINE. UNLESS THEY FIND CHRIST AND CHANGE EVERYONE WILL SUFFER. I ONLY HOPE I CAN MOVE ON AND NOT GREIVE MY WHOLE LIFE. I AM 53 AND I TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER WHO IS 83. I HAVE NO ONE ELSE NOW. I AM HEART BROKEN. THANKS FOR LISTENING AND I REALLY HOPE THERE WILL BE HELP FOR OTHERS LIKE MYSELF WHO HAVE ADULT CHILDREN, ITS ALITTLE DIFFERENT NOW. GOD BLESS AND PRAY FOR WISDOM AND STRENGTH. LATER
I just located your group on Facebook and sent a request to join. This article and all of the associated posts and comments have helped me immensely. I feel such despair. My daughter will be 17 in a few months. It's been a nightmare since she was 12. The foul language, verbal attacks, she refuses to follow a single rule, stays out well past curfew every night, lies, steals, is truant, uses drugs in our house despite repeated warnings, and more. She has begun to get physical and has punched me several times. It's like a nightmare that won't end. Oh, I live in the U.S., although it sounds like these heartbreaking experiences are (sadly) universal.
To all parents who have been abused by their children (yes, all of that is abuse, and because people in general or young people in general are behaving abusively doesn't mean it isn't abuse):
LOOK AROUND YOU. Chances are that unless you have been an abuser yourself, there are persons who are influencing your child to behave this way.
In my case it was an abusive ex-spouse who taught our child to abuse and revile me and rewarded her for it; a classic case of DIVORCE POISON. In another case, which is seared into my brain, I watched a young man belittle and defy his mother in a store with sarcasm, name-calling, and obscene gestures, and when DAD came around the corner to join them HE LAUGHED. So you don't have to be divorced to have one parent teaching the children to abuse the other.
I no longer see my abusive mother, and one reason was that I repeatedly overheard her demeaning me to my very young child, in baby-talk (gag).
SWEEP CLEAN your life of people like this or your health and any hope for a relationship with your child doesn't stand a chance.
I have an emotionally abusive ex. My daughter who is 12 is strongly influenced by his behaviour. Although I am out of the house, I still suffer from him via text or email (as we are supposed to have joint custody). And I now see my daughter is emotionally abusing me as well as my 8 year old son. It's very subtle at this point but i know too many of the signs from staying in my abusive marriage. I realized today my self esteem is once again being eroded and I have to somehow fix myself and then hopefully get my kids on track. I would like to get then out of Dad's house but trying to convince Case Managers, Lawyers etc etc of Parent Abuse is VERY difficult. The cycle of abuse must not continue through my children......they have too much good stuff in them and are being poisoned.
Please - if any one has words of wisdom I really really need them. Thank you.
My child has had mental and behavioral problems since the age of one and I have endured much pysical abuse from him. He is becoming a teenager and strong. When you ask for help or tell someone about what is happening in the home, they laugh and say it is me not the boy. I am always his target and he has already tried stabbing me, throwing objects at me that could really hurt me or even kill me, punching, kicking and bitting. He also calls me every name the book and has no respect for me at all. I think that the government should look at all the cases that there is and consider trying to pass a law to help the parents. Children need but so do the parents!!
Thank You for the love and support you gave I am totaly with you on this subject and not to proud to say that I have been the most understanding never controlling but always silently praying mother any kid would ask for was physicaly abused now verbal shes 18years now and knows if she hurts me again the police told her they will press the charges,Your mother won't have to, but if had to I WILL in a minute Im tierd of being scared and hurt by anyone we do not nor any individual have to put up with feeling like a piece of crap, all I ever askhed for in my home is love,respect,understanding,no yelling with calm communication and I dont think thats asking for to much, thats how I grew up Thank You Daddy. Hugs to all In this pain we all know and o tolerance to it. Your Friend. Sincerly, Nancy R K
To "Phil" - It is very difficult to prove abuse because the legal system is designed to stop the complaints, not the abuse. Additionally, the cards are stacked against women in legal family matters. I say this because the complainant is almost always a woman who is "trying to get something" from a man (whether it is money to help feed her children or to compel a man to leave her alone). The concept of "divorce poison" typically describes the powerlessness of men who felt manipulated by women in the modern, "progressive" arena of legal custody. The book "Divorce Poison" is even-handed, but the original concept and its use in custody matters is slanted to portray mothers as abusive, manipulating women who use their children to hold on to the father.
The following is a generalization, and I wish it were not generally true: In my situation and I suspect the situation of so many women is that because mothers are usually the primary caregiver (even when the child spends 50% with the father, it's usually the mother who attends to the "little things" and is aware of the child's welfare 100% of the time), mothers are vulnerable emotionally and economically. Abusive men exploit this in a situation described as Threatened Mother Syndrome. This is one tactic my abusive ex used for many years. One example from my own situation was to delay paying any bills (we had an informal agreement) until I contacted him frequently and became angry; my anger and "harassing behavior" was the evidence of my greed and emotional instability which explained why he did not want to deal with me. Obviously, my ex didn't want to support his child with money and this was the explanation that he invented to justify it to himself, his friends, and to our child.
I think that joint or shared custody is a failed solution to divorce. It does nothing to support the children, it merely cuts them in half between parties who clearly disagree, and it equates real parenting with cash. For more, read the book The Neutered Mother, the Sexual Family by Martha Fineman; it helped me "fix myself," as you say by correcting my viewpoint. Mothers by nature (usually) set aside their mechanisms for self-protection in order to care for their children, something that patriarchal society and individual abusers are quick to feed upon.
I had to address the issue with my child directly and it was extremely painful. It has taken almost 12 months of numbing patience and love (from whence it came, I still don't know) to DEMONSTRATE to my child that I expected her to be a better person than her attitudes and behavior; I did and do it by setting an example of rational and practical living, self-sufficiency, and FREEDOM FROM MAKING OR RECEIVING JUDGEMENTS of others - and absenting myself if I feel I can't.
I don't expect that my child will ever see her father for who he really is. He is a master deceiver, and has a "madonna/whore" complex regarding women; there must be a bad woman to contain his projections in order for him to deal positively with other women. His daughter is the good woman and I am the bad one, so he treats her quite well. (I was the good woman and his mother the bad woman when we married; when we divorced he was able to reconcile with her and we switched roles in his mind. He has done this with every woman I've seen him interact with, from employers to his current wife.)
The best result will be for my daughter to be healthy and safe. She still tends toward abuse but I think she is overcoming her shame at her behavior and is making real progress. (Can't blame her, must forgive! Hardest thing!) Subtly, the influences of her father are still present, but I have confidence that she will continue to improve, especially as she begins to see these horrible behaviors in society at large when she becomes an adult (soon); then she can see that this problem isn't limited to her father or to her own family.
Hang in there, Phil. Educating myself about the topic and my spiritual discipline has helped me a lot. I never could have "risen above" the mire and pulled my daughter up with me without the support of internet sites, books, and my inner light. I know that I attracted this situation due to my history as an abused child. Changing me changed the situation. Hang in there!
I want to clarify that I endorse healthy parenting behavior by both men and women, and realize that this issue is NOT a gender issue to my thinking. HOWEVER, mothers are quite disadvantaged in this area, and any research into the development of Parental Alienation Syndrome, Divorce-Related Malicious Parent Syndrome (DRMPS), as well as family law, will show very clearly how the weak position of mothers in society has been further pathologized based upon a compilation of individual worst-cases. Recently, gender-neutral wording and increased competency of therapists and legal experts is improving and I hope that ALL PARENTS soon feel free and willing to love their children so that ALL PEOPLE, parents and children alike, can be healthy.
Thank you for posting this article. I'm in the US and my son is 19. It would be nice to hear from other parents who are going through this to share advice, a laugh and mostly to lessen the guilt, shame and isolation.
Check out the facebook group, the link is further up the thread :)
Every night when I go to sleep I ask my subconscious to give me happy dreams; a little space in my life that doesn’t hurt.
Because, as a mother I would trade my life for my child to get better , and nothing, nothing that i do or sacrifice of myself ever makes it better. Then those rare dreams where I am swimming in or adventuring somewhere and being someone I have long since forgotten about, well that’s all I have of me.
It doesn’t often happen that I get those dreams. But when I do, I carry them around in me for as long as I can.
Now, I have something else. After finding this site I know I am not alone. Thank you, thank you for setting it up. Because I will carry all of you in my heart whenever I feel shame or desperation and you will make me stronger. And I hope that I make you stronger
julie i have popped back for a read and some identification so i think it does give me strength too. i am in similar desperate place as when i last posted.just that sickly feeling when i realize my son has no limits to the damage he will do to me and has done but at same time feel a deep love for him. very rarely do ispota deep vulnerability in him which i saw today and abuse of me at same time.got son arrested last night for first time he 15 he was there all night never slept. in morning he got a lawyer and an extra person he said he read about it and his rights on internet . almost like he planned getting arrested just so he could test out this new knowledge. but when he came home he seemed vulnerable for a couple minutes. then started up again when ss went.ss was taken in by sons fake placidness and told me he clever and that i should be proud. i already told ss that i was proud five minutes before. im not saying im not proud, or that i dont love him , im asking for someone to believe me about his behaviour at home.instead of feeling sorry for him. which i did today. he is clever, by i am the victim of his cleverness. because he use it in devious ways towards me. has anyone taken medication to cope with childs abuse. if so does it help with not reacting no matter how long they push it for. as i was told if i dont react he will change. by ss. well if u love someone deeply it gonna affect u whether u react or not but less chance of reacting if u dont feel it.and being comfortably numb sounds good to me. and it may be better for son in long run. the amount of time son spends being abusive or trying to get reactions it just seems impossible to keep cool head for so long and so often. but son needs this from me. i knew a man who could do this with his kids, keep cool constantly. never got upset. his wife described him as cold. julie im glad u got ur dreams. u keep hold of them. i used to dream alot about being able to fly and sometimes in a helicopter. they come and go. these are the best because like u i feel so happy in the dream. and flying is realistic because maybe one day i could have flying lesson. and your dream realistic maybe not now but one day. chearing me up thinking about it. sometimes these little things in life arent enough, like dreams, or child saying love u and meaning it once a year and having rare good day. but at the time its all u got and its more than what u had. sorry im blabbing i been up all last night. this is a bit of self therapy.its like being old before your time. and all u got is memories. but they r valuable. and i had flying dreams ever since i was kid.it is funny how we can care about such things when all else is lost.i wish society would stop ignoring and suppressing all of us.and giving these kids power and rights over parents teachers ect.its like they are deliberately dumbing down our kids. by letting them self destruct.so they become cheap government slaves when adults.with no morals.my son getting social worker. do they even help?
can i even trust a social worker sent specially for son. will he take sons side, like duty worker ss. and egg son on for man power against women. or hatred against mothers.will he twist sons words against me and write nasty notes that get filed for ever . will he get taken in by sons lies. is he qualified in making peace between son and mother or just interested in hearing bad things and writing them down but no help like most.will post to let the site know. sweet dreams julie
I have an adult married daughter with an 8 month old granddaughter who is precious. My daughter started acting out by the time she was a teenager. Raising her was difficult to say the least. Going through a wedding with her was even worse. I think she thought we had limitless funds. Long story short, I by no means was a great parent. I know I did scream too much. I have told her and written to her how sorry I was for all of my wrong-doings as a parent. She never acknowledged my letters nor my apologies. We were at her house a couple of weeks ago. They had just gotten home from a long day of shopping. Despite getting what she wanted for Easter, etc., she seemed very very angry. My son began to fix something in her house that needed fixing, my daughter in law started to fix dinner. Her husband began o bathe the baby and put her down for the night. My husband was carrying out her trash, and I guess I was her target. I asked her if the baby could stay ip for just a little bit because we never get to see her. She proceeded to scream no. I mumbled under my breath and she yelled at me even louder to stop it. I immediately sat down on the sofa and did not say another word. It killed me as many of her angry outbursts do! I have asked many times to keep the baby and she acts like she doesn't hear me. I have asked her to go shopping but she always has something else to do. My husband has always taken up for my daughter and son. I feel like he is very passive aggressive and hates confrontation. Therefore, it is easier for him to agree with anything they say. While they were growing up, I was always the disciplinarian. They are both independent and good kids. They do not drink too much nor do they do drugs. I am very proud of them both. The thing that kills me is how she will only call and text her dad. I do everything wrong. I don't know how to get her to talk to me. I cried nearly all night last night trying to figure out what to do. I figured I would call and ask her if we could talk. I have tried calling but she won't answer her phone. At my wits end! Help! My heart is breaking!
I read all these coments at 3am in the morning whilst listening to my 16 yr old son banging walls and shouting abuse at me.
We are a family of 6,with an older son of 17 and twin girls of 9. Our 16yr old has made life hell for the past 5 yrs, with violent episodes that result in calling the police.My daughters are both petrified and my eldest son doesnt want to live here anymore. At the moment he is on a 9mth referral order but no-one seems to be able to help, we asked social services for respite but they didnt want to know.My question to them is when someone is killed or injured in the family home how will they deal with that when we have asked for help on many occasions.My son steals,lies and abuses everyone around him,especially myself, we have gone down every avenue and used all outside agencies but nothing has helped. I desperately want to help him but now at the point where he is more dangerous and have to put other children first. I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone
when my son gets away with lieing about me to his social worker , who is gullible, and manipulating him, only then when worker gone home , and son has won for his right to carry on abusing, does my son show a glimps of vulnerability. but only after hours of arrogant faces and many shows of dominants and showing me whos boss. and reinforcing his lies, telling himself and me they are true,and that there is always a reason to abuse me , and ss have accepted his reasons. although they are made up from truth and twisted very cleverly. aww how sweet , just like his dad. and ss are allowing his behaviour because they refuse to listen to me , the adult. because they think im just stressed because im single parent who is prone to anxiety and depression anyway. so this is where son gets his power in that i am stress anxious. and it is affecting him according to ss. this may be true. but does that give son the right to completely dominate, control, try for reactions over the whole weekend, evenings , when he get home from school. does it geve him rights of power. does it take away my rights to be listened to as a concerned adult. victims of bullying do suffer from anxiety, depression stress, ect. and thats why i anxious in forst place because i was bullied by his dad and family . why the hell cant they have him. they wont. they just moan about me. son is same as them. and their is not one difference between sons personality and his father apart from son is ambitious.and even this could be twisted by ss by sayingMOTHER RESENTS SON FOR LOOKING LIKE HIS FATHER. its like women are still treated like idiots. especially mothers. if u want to be respected in this life u wont be as soon as u become a mother. u are just part of a herd of cows in a field. and there doesnt seem to be many single fathers here, even anonymous ones.but , i might be wrong, i think single fathers fair better than single mothers as they are not stigmatized. well, at least this takes some pressure off, as son is a male and its a mans world. so he will be fine , with or without my help it seems. if im repeating what already been said by others its only because ive read posts and im identifying. what does loving someone and feeling intimated and scared do to your mental health . it cant be good.
l have a 13 year old abusive so he is physically violent and verbally abusive.l found rejection is the worst thing for him l had him placed out of home care for 4 weeks.He felt rejected and an outcast ,l see him each day and l give him lots of hugs,and tell him l am there for him .He has accepted support he has accepted change.
l look at all the positives hes achieved and when he goes angry and violent l just hold him until he calms down.
Rejection can do one of two things to a child with abusive behaviour. If its felt as your son has, and its reinforced with love and compassion, then they get the message. Its a wake up call, because what they are feeling is that their beahviour is rejected while they themselves are not. This is positive and healthy and essential for change. If on the other hand if the abusive child AND their behaviour are rejected, then its does nothing but serve to reinforce their behaviour and they lean nothing, and lose all their support when they need it most. Its takes an adult to recognise this, but sadly, in my experience, most of the parents who are suffering from abuse need love and support themselves to help to develop mature emotions and thought processes to help their own children. This is not about blame, since often, these adults have suffered damage as a child themselves in one way or another. It is very, very, very common among all adults, whether they have children or not.
Majority of what is written here describes my life with my 14 year old son, unfortunately at the age of 5 years old he was encouraged by my extremely abusive husband, who was filled to the brim with unbelievable hatred, and rage and wanted nothing more than to finish me not only mentally but physically and would receive great pleasure at my pain, he would encourage my son to take sides with him, and teach my son how to destroy not only my car, by removing the car battery, removing the wiring under the hood, but would scream at the top of his longues for my child to not obey Mommy, If I would only tell him to brush his teeth, or comb his hair, my x husband would be furious if my son obeyed. Now my son has followed suit, and takes great pleasure at stopping at nothing to scream out un ending lies about me, he won't make his bed, or clean a dish, he will threaten me in every possible way bullying me, screaming that I am hitting him, screaming get away from me, when I am not even near him or touching him,. I am like Betty Crocker, miss happy homemaker, and yet can smoothly transition into most jobs, educated and sought after by other guys who would have been thrilled to have me, it wasn't as if I was ms. Undesirable do nothing, as I was pretty knowledgable in not only early childhood education, college major, but had a lot of other interests. It seemed the more I cleaned, or cooked, or gave of myself or did the more it worked against me. No appreciation. no love. No kindness was shown by either father or son, now the vandalism done by the father is the same that I am noticing in my son, there is this tremendous underlying sense of entitlement . like you owe me, going on, when he was younger, he even threatened to jump out of the car while driving on the highway if I didn!'t say yeas to him. There is so much more to write here, but it would be endless, it just keeps going on 24/7 as he was just thrown out of school. The threats and bullying, mixed with the lies continue, God help me, I think an exorcism is in order.
I am at my lowest ebb at the moment, having just suffered about two hours of verbal abuse from my 13 yo son.
It follows 6 months of esculating swearing, calling me names, spitting at me. He does this on a daily basis now, and I feel helpless, I am frightened to lose my temper, to show that I hate his behaviour. I feel completely letdown by the law, I cannot even smack him.
Before you run away with the idea I am a woman..I AM A MAN, 6 feet tall and 17 stones, yes I am old, but not frail.
I love him so dearly, he is my baby..I have 3 other older sons who are grown up, they have children of their own.
They would never have treated me in this manner.
I feel ashamed to tell them, I feel ashamed to even tell friends.
My friends know there is something amiss as he has often verbally abused me in their presence, making a joke of it!
I am a single parent, my ex wife bought him up until a year ago.. she finally kicked him out leaving me to pick up the peices..
I am desperately trying to cope, but fear if I report it to anyone he will taken from me.
HELP ME SOMEONE!
go over to the facebook page, where people come together and share their experiences. It matters not if you are a mum or a dad, you are a PARENT suffering abuse from a confused child. Love the child, but reject the behaviour. See your GP for advice.
I was a victim of long term domestic violence. My son followed in my husband's footsteps. I always felt guilty, like I was a bad mother, or else my son would love me. This article is really good.
My son gave me a concussion some time back. He would often push me around and bruise me, but I still felt that I was responsible as he was my son.
It's Mother's Day. My son Alex, now 23 years old, is with my husband. In front of me, my son told my husband he would be fine with my husband killing me. Alex has not called me today. My son has treated me like a criminal ever since I got the restraining order against his father.
It was not just me who was abused. My daughter was also a victim, but to a lesser extent. Natasha and I were always under death threats. My son and my husband caused my mother's death after I got my restraining order. I loved my mother and don't understand how anyone could have harmed her. They also robbed her. She died penniless and I had to beg for funds to bury her. Now, I am the one who is starving. My husband cut my health insurance while I was in the cardiac intensive care unit and has made sure I have nothing on which to survive. My son lives off my husband and together they have spoken about waiting for me to die.
You need to get some proper counselling, get both of them out of your lives, and you need to realise what is happening by taking back control and stop being the victim and start being the survivor. Why is your husband still controlling your health insurance or any of your finances? You are not dependent on him or your son. You have independence. even if they take everything you have, they cannot take your soul unless you give it to them. Everything else can be replaced. Seek out a domestic abuse survivors group TODAY to help you recover and rehabilitate. I send you love hunni, because you just don't realise just how far down the rabbit hole you are x
Lisa HW Level 6 Commenter 2 years ago
Important information, but I think readers should realize that the only behavior in that list that would be considered "normal teen behavior" would be "constant refusal to do as asked" (which is sometimes not so much refusal, as "not getting around to it yet"). None of the rest of that behavior is particularly "usual teen behavior". Some teens will "mouth off", so that's common; but it isn't what all do. The rest of the behavior is a real sign of trouble.